I ran into this idea a few years ago reading a book by Ron Luce. Mainstream media is only about 5 years behind on this. Take a look at the link. Let me know what your thoughts are.
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/power+porn+poisoning+real+researcher+says/5054224/story.html
June 28, 2011
Marriage is Tough
Marriage is tough. Anyone that has observed marriage from the outside has only scratched the surface as to what is inside it. I was listening to one of my favourite podcasts. The speaker was talking about when he was a young man in university. Somehow the topic marriage came up in his class. So he as an unmarried man offered an opinion. His professor asked him if he was married. He said no. His professor told him to sit down and be quiet, and that marriage is hard, and that an unmarried man could have no idea. Now, many years later, the speaker reflects on the conversation and says, “What do you know? He was right!” and then he laughs.
In the book, Billy Graham in Quotes, Rev. Graham has a section of quotations about marriage. Some are thought-provoking so I thought I would share some and share some of my own thoughts. (Where quotation marks appear these are from the book. It will probably be at the parts where the wisdom is.)
“Nothing brings more joy than a good marriage, and nothing brings more misery than a bad marriage.”
So true. This is something that people need to consider either while they are preparing for marriage or while they are building their marriage. What makes a good marriage? What makes a bad marriage? Is a good marriage only when things are easy? Is it when things are “wine and roses”? Or should marriage be like a cell phone plan, where you pick and choose what features you want and then if the provider doesn’t hold up their end of the deal perfectly you change providers?
To have a strong, long-lasting marriage, these quotations stood out to me.
“Marriage is a holy bond because it permits two people to help each other work out their spiritual destinies. God declared marriage to be good.”
Marriages truly are selfless. When you find that person that knows how to move you towards God, and that you are able to help move closer to God, your marriage is moving in the right direction. People underestimate that “The perfect marriage is a uniting of three persons—a man and a woman and God. That is what makes marriage holy.”
Mo marriage will be perfect all the time. “Gardens don’t grow by themselves; they need to be tended and cultivated and weeded. The same is true of marriage.” Both husband and wife must work out each issue together. “When a husband and wife are concerned about their own individual desires, the stage is set for conflict.”
From my observations I have seen several “Short-term” marriages. It’s sad. I think that the way people get to know their potential spouse really sets them up for divorce.
First, “If young people could only realize that a happy marriage depends not only on the present, but upon the past, they would be more reluctant to enter into loose, intimate relations with anyone and everyone.” Huge chunks of media focus on the extreme pursuit of sex. To many the sexual act is becoming the ultimate of human experience. But many that keep pursuing sex, they find it empty, and the more the pursue, the more they want, the less it satisfies. It becomes an addiction. For women it seems to be about the affection. For many men it is about the immediate selfish gratification. All will not truly experience the fullness until they have a healthy marriage anchored by God.
Also, I shudder to think about how things will be for this new generation. I watch their interaction with the opposite sex and it is disgusting. A group of about 8 boys gathered around the house of a young teen girl. She is talking down to them from her bedroom window. The young men strut around, spew foul language in sentences that I think were designed to get her attention. She is all giggly and impressed about getting this kind of attention from them.
What is the product of this kind of thing? “Thousands of young couples go through with a loveless marriage because no one ever told them what a genuine love is. If people today knew that kind of love, the divorce rate would be sharply reduced.” So many people don’t really experience someone that truly loves them. Parents are divorcing, leaving (often) single mothers to work hard and have latch-key kids have little guidance. Internet is becoming a form of parent. Chatrooms are often where friends are. Friends and peers are raising each other. If they get to the idea of marriage, often it is based on emotion, but not love.
“Marriage is the most serious long-term contract a couple will make in their lifetime, but many enter into it with a lack of maturity and knowledge. The growing number of divorces shows how imperative it is that young people be adequately prepared for marriage.” With no parental models, and a lack of understanding of morality and what love is, there is no preparation for marriage. They go from one dating relationship to the next, breaking it off when they don’t like it anymore, or when the relationship had run its course. Then they get married and a crisis happens, and they break it off because that is what they know.
Intimacy in marriage is so important. Sex alone is not intimacy. It really is about how much you open up to your spouse emotionally and spiritually. DO you trust them? Sometimes there is reluctance to open up between the two for whatever reason. Sometimes hurt happens. Sometimes joy happens. Sometimes healing happens. Sometimes I think that divorce happens because no one will humble themselves and “I’m sorry”. “My wife often said that ‘a good marriage consists of two good forgivers.’”
Keep the lines of communication open. In a healthy marriage you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything. “I have been asked the question, ‘Who do you go to for counsel, for spiritual guidance?’ My answer: My wife. She is the only one I completely confide in.” Once those lines of communication shut down, problems can happen.
Most important: “As a husband and wife, to have a happy life together, you must have confidence and respect, and must have substantial agreement in your faith.” That last part is the thing that I see as the pivotal point of Christian marriage. “Substantial agreement in your faith”. A young couple gets married, both professing to be Christians. Something happens and one of the two decides that they are not going to keep following Christ. Or the two marry while they are not Christians and then one of them chooses to become a Christian and the other is not interested. Some people make it work. For some others the difference causes a breakdown of the marriage.
Marriage is a risk. There are a lot of things wrapped up in those two small words… I DO. Strive to keep God in your marriage. Live up to the vows of the big day. It won’t be easy, but it is worth it.
In the book, Billy Graham in Quotes, Rev. Graham has a section of quotations about marriage. Some are thought-provoking so I thought I would share some and share some of my own thoughts. (Where quotation marks appear these are from the book. It will probably be at the parts where the wisdom is.)
“Nothing brings more joy than a good marriage, and nothing brings more misery than a bad marriage.”
So true. This is something that people need to consider either while they are preparing for marriage or while they are building their marriage. What makes a good marriage? What makes a bad marriage? Is a good marriage only when things are easy? Is it when things are “wine and roses”? Or should marriage be like a cell phone plan, where you pick and choose what features you want and then if the provider doesn’t hold up their end of the deal perfectly you change providers?
To have a strong, long-lasting marriage, these quotations stood out to me.
“Marriage is a holy bond because it permits two people to help each other work out their spiritual destinies. God declared marriage to be good.”
Marriages truly are selfless. When you find that person that knows how to move you towards God, and that you are able to help move closer to God, your marriage is moving in the right direction. People underestimate that “The perfect marriage is a uniting of three persons—a man and a woman and God. That is what makes marriage holy.”
Mo marriage will be perfect all the time. “Gardens don’t grow by themselves; they need to be tended and cultivated and weeded. The same is true of marriage.” Both husband and wife must work out each issue together. “When a husband and wife are concerned about their own individual desires, the stage is set for conflict.”
From my observations I have seen several “Short-term” marriages. It’s sad. I think that the way people get to know their potential spouse really sets them up for divorce.
First, “If young people could only realize that a happy marriage depends not only on the present, but upon the past, they would be more reluctant to enter into loose, intimate relations with anyone and everyone.” Huge chunks of media focus on the extreme pursuit of sex. To many the sexual act is becoming the ultimate of human experience. But many that keep pursuing sex, they find it empty, and the more the pursue, the more they want, the less it satisfies. It becomes an addiction. For women it seems to be about the affection. For many men it is about the immediate selfish gratification. All will not truly experience the fullness until they have a healthy marriage anchored by God.
Also, I shudder to think about how things will be for this new generation. I watch their interaction with the opposite sex and it is disgusting. A group of about 8 boys gathered around the house of a young teen girl. She is talking down to them from her bedroom window. The young men strut around, spew foul language in sentences that I think were designed to get her attention. She is all giggly and impressed about getting this kind of attention from them.
What is the product of this kind of thing? “Thousands of young couples go through with a loveless marriage because no one ever told them what a genuine love is. If people today knew that kind of love, the divorce rate would be sharply reduced.” So many people don’t really experience someone that truly loves them. Parents are divorcing, leaving (often) single mothers to work hard and have latch-key kids have little guidance. Internet is becoming a form of parent. Chatrooms are often where friends are. Friends and peers are raising each other. If they get to the idea of marriage, often it is based on emotion, but not love.
“Marriage is the most serious long-term contract a couple will make in their lifetime, but many enter into it with a lack of maturity and knowledge. The growing number of divorces shows how imperative it is that young people be adequately prepared for marriage.” With no parental models, and a lack of understanding of morality and what love is, there is no preparation for marriage. They go from one dating relationship to the next, breaking it off when they don’t like it anymore, or when the relationship had run its course. Then they get married and a crisis happens, and they break it off because that is what they know.
Intimacy in marriage is so important. Sex alone is not intimacy. It really is about how much you open up to your spouse emotionally and spiritually. DO you trust them? Sometimes there is reluctance to open up between the two for whatever reason. Sometimes hurt happens. Sometimes joy happens. Sometimes healing happens. Sometimes I think that divorce happens because no one will humble themselves and “I’m sorry”. “My wife often said that ‘a good marriage consists of two good forgivers.’”
Keep the lines of communication open. In a healthy marriage you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything. “I have been asked the question, ‘Who do you go to for counsel, for spiritual guidance?’ My answer: My wife. She is the only one I completely confide in.” Once those lines of communication shut down, problems can happen.
Most important: “As a husband and wife, to have a happy life together, you must have confidence and respect, and must have substantial agreement in your faith.” That last part is the thing that I see as the pivotal point of Christian marriage. “Substantial agreement in your faith”. A young couple gets married, both professing to be Christians. Something happens and one of the two decides that they are not going to keep following Christ. Or the two marry while they are not Christians and then one of them chooses to become a Christian and the other is not interested. Some people make it work. For some others the difference causes a breakdown of the marriage.
Marriage is a risk. There are a lot of things wrapped up in those two small words… I DO. Strive to keep God in your marriage. Live up to the vows of the big day. It won’t be easy, but it is worth it.
December 20, 2010
"I Look for love in your eyes"
My wife ran into this post on a blog she reads. I read it and wanted to share the poem with you. There are too many stories out there about marriages ruined by pornography, and this was the reflections of a wife speaking to her husband about his issues. It's a little graphic so be warned. I'll post the link at the end so you can go see the full blog post.
God, let there be more people willing to address this issue straight on:
“I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”
I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.
Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.
Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.
Who am I that you cannot make love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.
Where are you?
Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making hate to someone else
Instead of making love to me?
I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…people like me
Tortured, humiliated, hated, used
Discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?
If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling.
Hands bound, mouth gagged.
Fisheye photo, contorting reality
Distorting the woman into exaggerated breasts.
The haunted eyes, windows of a tormented soul
Warped by the lens into the background,
Because souls don’t matter, only bodies do
To men who consume them.
Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual torture
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me.
An image burned into their brains.
Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?
I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of hatred
And come out of your locked room to love?
You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When hatred rules in your heart.
Your cruelty has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your rage?
That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.
I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.
Was it worth it?
http://www.challies.com/quotes/i-looked-for-love-in-your-eyes
God, let there be more people willing to address this issue straight on:
“I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”
I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.
Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.
Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.
Who am I that you cannot make love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.
Where are you?
Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making hate to someone else
Instead of making love to me?
I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…people like me
Tortured, humiliated, hated, used
Discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?
If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling.
Hands bound, mouth gagged.
Fisheye photo, contorting reality
Distorting the woman into exaggerated breasts.
The haunted eyes, windows of a tormented soul
Warped by the lens into the background,
Because souls don’t matter, only bodies do
To men who consume them.
Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual torture
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me.
An image burned into their brains.
Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?
I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of hatred
And come out of your locked room to love?
You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When hatred rules in your heart.
Your cruelty has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your rage?
That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.
I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.
Was it worth it?
http://www.challies.com/quotes/i-looked-for-love-in-your-eyes
Things never to say to your wife...
In the interest of promoting a healthy marriage, here are some suggestions from Tim Hawkins:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DiK2OakMoW_c%26feature%3Drelated&h=770fa
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DiK2OakMoW_c%26feature%3Drelated&h=770fa
December 13, 2010
Real Love Affirms
I ran across this little idea reading Unshakeable Faith, by Josh and Sean McDowell (Page 178). I have heard the idea before, but I still struggle to do what he is suggesting.
Under the heading, “Real Love Affirms” it reads:
“One day Dottie came home from a meeting at school very hurt over what some mothers had said about one of our kids. In the past when she shared a problem like that with me, I would leap on the situation and say something like, ‘Honey, don’t let it get to you. Here’s what you need to do.’ Then I would outline a plan to fix the problem. It may have been a good plan, but it didn’t address the pain Dottie felt at the moment. But on this particular occasion, I finally got it right. I simply put my arms around her and said, ‘Honey, I’m so sorry that you had to hear those words, and I hurt for you.’ That was it—no fix-it plan, no corrective measures outlined, just a heartfelt expression that identified with her pain.
Amazingly, it worked. Dottie felt affirmed and understood, and that was all she needed at the moment. A few days later she came back to me and asked what I thought she could do to address those critical comments about the family member. My fix-it plan was then welcomed.
We don’t have to understand exactly what a person is going through in order to give them affirming love.”
Especially with men and their wives… Men try to solve the problem, when often all they need to do is listen and be there for their wives to feel what they are feeling. Guys, be aware of this. Love your wives the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love them. Love is about what you can do for them, not about being the superhero there to save the day.
Just some thoughts.
Under the heading, “Real Love Affirms” it reads:
“One day Dottie came home from a meeting at school very hurt over what some mothers had said about one of our kids. In the past when she shared a problem like that with me, I would leap on the situation and say something like, ‘Honey, don’t let it get to you. Here’s what you need to do.’ Then I would outline a plan to fix the problem. It may have been a good plan, but it didn’t address the pain Dottie felt at the moment. But on this particular occasion, I finally got it right. I simply put my arms around her and said, ‘Honey, I’m so sorry that you had to hear those words, and I hurt for you.’ That was it—no fix-it plan, no corrective measures outlined, just a heartfelt expression that identified with her pain.
Amazingly, it worked. Dottie felt affirmed and understood, and that was all she needed at the moment. A few days later she came back to me and asked what I thought she could do to address those critical comments about the family member. My fix-it plan was then welcomed.
We don’t have to understand exactly what a person is going through in order to give them affirming love.”
Especially with men and their wives… Men try to solve the problem, when often all they need to do is listen and be there for their wives to feel what they are feeling. Guys, be aware of this. Love your wives the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love them. Love is about what you can do for them, not about being the superhero there to save the day.
Just some thoughts.
May 14, 2010
Oh Be Careful Little Eyes….
Oh be careful little eyes what you see…. A line from a familiar Sunday School song. It’s something that must be applied in marriage. Both men and women can be caught letting their eyes wander. I’m not going to address pornography here except to say that it has no place in Christian marriage. If you are having struggles with this, make sure you get into a regular time with God, and get focused on what He has for you. There are ministries that you can look into to get a good idea of the full impact and consequences of it. You can be encouraged and restored. One example is xxxchurch.com.
I think people underestimate how much work it takes to make a marriage work. People need to work at it and need to develop some skills to move forward. Some people grew up around good role models. Some people have picked up good habits along the way. A marriage, like anything worth keeping, takes maintenance. It’s pretty easy when you first start out. It’s just the two of you. Throw kids into the mix and it can be about managing the house more than being husband and wife. Somewhere you both still have those romantic feelings for each other, but once you’re ready to snuggle for a minute there are two kids and a dog trying to snuggle too. It is so true what my pastor says, when you are going to have a fight with your spouse the kids disappear and the dog hides under the table. When there are hugs going around, everyone in the house wants to be in the middle of it.
Sometimes in marriage the relationship gets dry. This is the time to be most cautious. I have heard of marriages that faltered or broke down because there was a dryness in the relationship. If one spouse suddenly gets attention elsewhere…. Uh-oh!
Men and women, be careful how you treat your friends of the opposite sex… treat them in absolute purity… no grey area. We may not know of difficulty in a relationship. Don’t become the stumbling block.
Some say that when things are not like they were at the beginning, that it is time to move on. WRONG! That is time to work on the relationship. Romance is not something that is just “there”. It must be stirred up from time to time.
It can be discouraging to think of how easily a marriage can break. Both people have to learn how to be married. That takes time. When you are in a relationship that you are committing to for the rest of your life, then that should be plenty of time to learn it right? Seriously though, it does take time. It takes work. If you have found that person that loves God more than they love you, and you strive to love God more than you love your spouse, then as you choose to love your spouse, your relationship will get stronger.
I guess I could summarize marriage as loving God, and being selfless in loving your spouse. It is the battle between doing what you want versus doing what your spouse needs. Even in the tough, dry times, choose to love your spouse, pray for them, and do those things that you know will please and encourage them.
Where you focus, where your eyes are, and what they see will be where you go. Any good driver will tell you that you should look where you want to go. If your heart wants to go after God, then choose to look to him and the other things will fall into place.
Marriage is worth the effort. It represents God’s relationship with the church, and is seen through the relationship with a husband and wife. Marriage is one of the best tools for refining you. Live with someone that knows you so intimately, and learn to do the right thing at all times…. That takes refining. You’ll fail lots, and you’ll succeed lots. Hopefully as you work on your relationship with God, your character changes and you become more like the character of Jesus.
Now what about if a wife or a husband decides that they don’t want to be a Christian any more even though they started out the marriage that way? Or what if one decides they are done with the marriage? I have seen this happen a few times and it leaves someone either living in a difficult situation because of a difference in values and convictions. Or they can be devastated if someone leaves the marriage go for someone else. Obviously they missed the “’til death do us part” portion of their vows.
People seem to want the big romantic, fun party of a wedding, but they often don’t understand what it is that they are getting into. How can people not talk about things like kids, and job goals and all that before they choose to get married? What about disease? Sometimes and unexpected illness can be a huge shift in life. I know it might seem quite petty, but what if all of a sudden an injury happened or a disease happened that made sex impossible? Is that grounds to end the marriage? No. In sickness and in health.
Marriage must be about focus on God and focus on loving your spouse selflessly. As soon as you let your eye wander… it’s time to refocus…. It’s time to maybe even get counseling. Marriage is so valuable. Keep focused on making it stronger.
I think people underestimate how much work it takes to make a marriage work. People need to work at it and need to develop some skills to move forward. Some people grew up around good role models. Some people have picked up good habits along the way. A marriage, like anything worth keeping, takes maintenance. It’s pretty easy when you first start out. It’s just the two of you. Throw kids into the mix and it can be about managing the house more than being husband and wife. Somewhere you both still have those romantic feelings for each other, but once you’re ready to snuggle for a minute there are two kids and a dog trying to snuggle too. It is so true what my pastor says, when you are going to have a fight with your spouse the kids disappear and the dog hides under the table. When there are hugs going around, everyone in the house wants to be in the middle of it.
Sometimes in marriage the relationship gets dry. This is the time to be most cautious. I have heard of marriages that faltered or broke down because there was a dryness in the relationship. If one spouse suddenly gets attention elsewhere…. Uh-oh!
Men and women, be careful how you treat your friends of the opposite sex… treat them in absolute purity… no grey area. We may not know of difficulty in a relationship. Don’t become the stumbling block.
Some say that when things are not like they were at the beginning, that it is time to move on. WRONG! That is time to work on the relationship. Romance is not something that is just “there”. It must be stirred up from time to time.
It can be discouraging to think of how easily a marriage can break. Both people have to learn how to be married. That takes time. When you are in a relationship that you are committing to for the rest of your life, then that should be plenty of time to learn it right? Seriously though, it does take time. It takes work. If you have found that person that loves God more than they love you, and you strive to love God more than you love your spouse, then as you choose to love your spouse, your relationship will get stronger.
I guess I could summarize marriage as loving God, and being selfless in loving your spouse. It is the battle between doing what you want versus doing what your spouse needs. Even in the tough, dry times, choose to love your spouse, pray for them, and do those things that you know will please and encourage them.
Where you focus, where your eyes are, and what they see will be where you go. Any good driver will tell you that you should look where you want to go. If your heart wants to go after God, then choose to look to him and the other things will fall into place.
Marriage is worth the effort. It represents God’s relationship with the church, and is seen through the relationship with a husband and wife. Marriage is one of the best tools for refining you. Live with someone that knows you so intimately, and learn to do the right thing at all times…. That takes refining. You’ll fail lots, and you’ll succeed lots. Hopefully as you work on your relationship with God, your character changes and you become more like the character of Jesus.
Now what about if a wife or a husband decides that they don’t want to be a Christian any more even though they started out the marriage that way? Or what if one decides they are done with the marriage? I have seen this happen a few times and it leaves someone either living in a difficult situation because of a difference in values and convictions. Or they can be devastated if someone leaves the marriage go for someone else. Obviously they missed the “’til death do us part” portion of their vows.
People seem to want the big romantic, fun party of a wedding, but they often don’t understand what it is that they are getting into. How can people not talk about things like kids, and job goals and all that before they choose to get married? What about disease? Sometimes and unexpected illness can be a huge shift in life. I know it might seem quite petty, but what if all of a sudden an injury happened or a disease happened that made sex impossible? Is that grounds to end the marriage? No. In sickness and in health.
Marriage must be about focus on God and focus on loving your spouse selflessly. As soon as you let your eye wander… it’s time to refocus…. It’s time to maybe even get counseling. Marriage is so valuable. Keep focused on making it stronger.
Marriage and Communication...
Communication is a key to marriage. It is something that can be strong with a lot of nurturing, or can breakdown with very little effort at all. Like anything else that is worth doing, it takes effort and practice.
This is one of the ways that God’s design for the differences between men and women shows itself. Men tend to think in a way that wants to solve the problem. Women tend to think and speak in a way that comes from their emotions. Men seem to be conditioned by our culture to feel happy or angry… nothing else. Women feel better just to talk something out… not necessarily solve the problem.
Someone could say the same thing to a man and then to a woman. To the man it might not be that big of a deal and he shrugs it off, like a small stone on a rhinoceros. Say the same thing to a woman and it can be like the same small rock, but on the back of a butterfly. It could crush her.
My purpose is not to try to make one way of thinking better or worse than the other. I am just noting a difference. Of course all people have different things that have acted on them and influence how they think and reason and feel. That being said, communication is so much more about listening than it is about speaking. Some have quipped that we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak.
Especially in marriage, the time we spend with our spouse should be about active listening. If you think that you might not have understood something, ask them questions to clarify. Sometimes if a topic is delicate, lead in with something that gives your spouse a minute to brace themselves, like, “I have something important to talk to you about.”
Be careful about the words that you choose. Most people are sensitive to your words. People that are more emotional (men or women) could react to words spoken badly. It takes effort to learn to respond to what is being said rather than react. Women, if your man says something to you that could be interpreted two ways and one of them is mean or insensitive… we meant the other one.
Ultimately, all of this comes down to people learning to speak and listen in love. Yelling things in anger or saying things with intent to hurt are not things that should be in Christian marriage. We all choose what to say, and sometimes we say something that we know we shouldn’t have. Surrender. Submit to each other in love and make things right. Forgive. Sometimes fights don’t resolve themselves because no one wants to humble themselves and say that they are sorry.
Communication is an art that is worth pursuit.
Thoughts?
This is one of the ways that God’s design for the differences between men and women shows itself. Men tend to think in a way that wants to solve the problem. Women tend to think and speak in a way that comes from their emotions. Men seem to be conditioned by our culture to feel happy or angry… nothing else. Women feel better just to talk something out… not necessarily solve the problem.
Someone could say the same thing to a man and then to a woman. To the man it might not be that big of a deal and he shrugs it off, like a small stone on a rhinoceros. Say the same thing to a woman and it can be like the same small rock, but on the back of a butterfly. It could crush her.
My purpose is not to try to make one way of thinking better or worse than the other. I am just noting a difference. Of course all people have different things that have acted on them and influence how they think and reason and feel. That being said, communication is so much more about listening than it is about speaking. Some have quipped that we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak.
Especially in marriage, the time we spend with our spouse should be about active listening. If you think that you might not have understood something, ask them questions to clarify. Sometimes if a topic is delicate, lead in with something that gives your spouse a minute to brace themselves, like, “I have something important to talk to you about.”
Be careful about the words that you choose. Most people are sensitive to your words. People that are more emotional (men or women) could react to words spoken badly. It takes effort to learn to respond to what is being said rather than react. Women, if your man says something to you that could be interpreted two ways and one of them is mean or insensitive… we meant the other one.
Ultimately, all of this comes down to people learning to speak and listen in love. Yelling things in anger or saying things with intent to hurt are not things that should be in Christian marriage. We all choose what to say, and sometimes we say something that we know we shouldn’t have. Surrender. Submit to each other in love and make things right. Forgive. Sometimes fights don’t resolve themselves because no one wants to humble themselves and say that they are sorry.
Communication is an art that is worth pursuit.
Thoughts?
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