Loving Your Spouse with a Whole Heart

Saw this one and had to post.  There is some really good stuff in here.  I know in my own life I see the damage that can be doen with too much rushing around and not enough time with your spouse.  My wife and I strive to spend time together, but sometimes with 3 kids and jobs and church stuff we don't always get to.  Marriage takes some work.  Here are some ideas that just struck home with me:

Loving Your Spouse with a Whole Heart

Whitney Hopler

  

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Shawn Stoever's book, The Wholehearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship, (Howard Books, 2009).

The passion and intimacy you wish you and your spouse could enjoy together isn't just a pie-in-the-sky dream. That kind of marriage is within your reach. But it's possible only if you both devote yourselves wholeheartedly to your relationship -- fully engaging and giving 100 percent, without reservation.

Here's how you can put your whole heart into your marriage:
Recognize where love comes from. Do you find yourself thinking that you're not in love with your spouse anymore? Perhaps you feel like you just don't connect with your spouse. Maybe you feel alone, even though the two of you are still living under the same roof. Have you chosen to settle, compromise, or go into survival mode in your marriage? Worse, have you given up and started looking for love somewhere else?

It doesn't have to be that way. No matter how discouraged you may feel, it's possible to experience love for your spouse again. That's because love comes from God -- who is always willing to give you a fresh supply of it -- rather than from you. You don't have the pressure of trying to generate love for your spouse when you don't feel it. All you need to do is go to God in prayer each day and ask Him to fill your heart with His love.

When you open your heart to God daily, you'll receive from Him all the love you need for both yourself and your spouse. The love in your heart will naturally overflow into your relationship with your spouse. So remember that God is the source of all love, and love is always available to you because it flows through you whenever you open your heart to God.

Open your heart. In your marriage, the issue isn't love; it's the state of your heart. Ask yourself daily: "Is my heart open or closed?" If your heart is closed, your marriage will start to shut down because you're blocking the flow of God's love into it. But if you open your heart to God and keep it open every day, you'll be inviting God to pour out His love through you into your marriage.

Give your heart a voice. Become aware of the emotions you're experiencing, and learn how to manage them in healthy ways. Keep in mind that God has designed your emotions to work together with your thoughts so you can make the best possible decisions. Your emotions give you valuable information that you can then process through your thoughts.

• Ask God to help you accurately identify what you're feeling each day in various situations.

Rather than judging your emotions, consider what they are trying to tell you. When you feel frustration, joy, sadness, hurt, fear, or any other type of emotion, what does that mean?

• Once you've figured out what you're feeling and why you're feeling it, start guiding your emotions toward what you want to feel in your marriage.

Identify your specific desires for your marriage. Then, instead of expecting your spouse to give you what you want (because he or she is bound to fall short), turn to God with your desires. Regularly pray about what you want your marriage to be like, and trust God to bring about the transformation for which you're hoping, as long as you and your spouse cooperate with Him.

• Bring your negative emotions to God and ask Him to replace them with positive emotions in your life.

Whenever your emotions get stirred up, rather than blaming your spouse, consider what you may be doing yourself to intensify your own feelings. Look at your thoughts and thought patterns, interpretations, judgments, perceptions, expectations, fears, past hurts, beliefs, family-of-origin issues, and anything else that may be affecting your emotions. Then consider how you can best respond to your emotions.

• Avoid unhealthy actions like ignoring, suppressing, judging, or minimizing your feelings; viewing your feelings as facts; impulsively acting on them; or spewing them on others.

Figure out some healthy responses from which you could choose to manage any emotion that comes your way: taking deep breaths, praying, going for a walk, journaling, talking to a friend, cleaning your house, reading a book, etc.

Deal with a wounded heart. Life in this fallen world wounds you and your spouse's hearts by attacking them with false messages (such as: "You're not valuable"). The messages on your hearts affect how you see yourselves and how you interact with the world.

• Ask God to help you identify the false messages that have attacked your hearts and wounded them.

Does your heart make you feel: rejected, abandoned, disconnected, a failure, helpless, powerless, inadequate, inferior, invalidated, unloved, undesirable, worthless, judged, ignored, unimportant, misunderstood, disrespected, defective, or some other harmful message?
Then replace those lies with biblical truth.

• Search the Bible for specific verses that line up against the lies with which you've been struggling, and memorize those verses.
• Pray for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind so you can see yourself from God's perspective and think right thoughts about yourself.
• Talk to some people you trust (such as friends, mentors, or a trained psychologist) for counsel and encouragement.
• Care for your heart by nurturing yourself (such as by maintaining a close prayer connection to God, nurturing healthy friendships, setting healthy boundaries in your life, journaling your feelings, eating whenever you're hungry, and sleeping whenever you're tired).

Deal with a fearful heart. Create an emotionally safe environment for you and your spouse to relate to each other, so both of you feel safe to truly open up and be known at a deep, intimate level. Each of you should be able to open and reveal who you really are and know that your spouse will still love, understand, accept, and value you no matter what.

• Avoid behaviors that erode trust, like:

criticism, angry reactions, threats, withdrawal, sarcasm, broken promises, nagging, judgment, harsh words, defensiveness, manipulation, teasing, deception, negative assumptions and jumping to conclusions, bringing up the past over and over, and refusing to forgive.

• Recognize your spouse's value.

Ask God to help you honor your spouse -- no matter what -- because he or she is God's priceless gift to you and has a position in your life that's worthy of great respect. Treat your spouse in valuable ways, such as by: praying for and with your spouse, listening to your spouse with your full attention, validating your spouse's feelings, considering your spouse's point of view, notice your spouse's good qualities, thank your spouse for what he or she does for you, serve your spouse in ways that are meaningful for him or her, honor your spouse's boundaries, spend lots of time with your spouse, be honest and trustworthy with your spouse, forgive your spouse, and reassure your spouse of your unconditional love for him or her.

Deal with an exhausted heart. If you don't intentionally plan regular time with your spouse and time to recharge yourself, the busyness of life will take over and your marriage will suffer.

• Slow down the pace of your lifestyle and simplify your schedule.

Build in plenty of time for rest, reflection, and prayer. Learn when and how to say "no" to pursuits that don't relate directly to your core values, so you'll be free to focus on what's most important and let the rest go.

• Get rid of stuff that clutters your house and demands your time and energy to deal with it. Refuse to allow our culture's standards to define your value by what you look like, what you do, or what you own.
• Find your true value in the fact that God has made you and redeemed you, and He loves you.

Ask God to help you become whole and full emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically so you'll have the energy and resources necessary to love your spouse fully and unconditionally.

Fight for your spouse's heart. Conflict is inevitable in marriage. But it doesn't have to harm your relationship; it can actually strengthen it. If you and your spouse respond to conflict in a healthy way, conflict will become the doorway to intimacy between you because it will deepen your understanding of each other.

• Consider how both you and your spouse tend to react to conflict now.

Responding with "fight" behavior -- defensiveness, anger, going into fix-it mode, escalation, criticism, sarcasm, blame, or belittling comments -- won't promote the intimate connections you want to make. Neither will responding with "flight" behavior: withdrawal, negative beliefs, shut-down mode, isolation, numbing out, over-functioning, stonewalling, or passive-aggressive behavior.

• Instead of becoming your spouse's adversary in conflict and causing your hearts to close to each other, open your hearts to God.

Pray for the ability to embrace, appreciate, and deal with you and your spouse's differences in healthy ways. Ask God to show you what emotional buttons your spouse is pushing through the conflict and how that makes you feel. Also ask God to reveal how you're pushing your spouse's emotional buttons through the conflict. Then pray for the power you need to gain control over the conflict and use it to accomplish something constructive in your relationship.

Care for your spouse's heart. Your spouse has an amazingly valuable and incredibly vulnerable heart, just as you do.

• Keep the promise you made in your wedding vows to care for each other.
• Communicate to understand by agreeing on when it's a good time to talk, agreeing on the goal of each conversation (connecting emotionally, or trying to fix something), and checking during the conversation to make sure you're still both staying on track and understanding each other.
• Avoid communication pitfalls, such as trying to figure out: who is right or wrong, who is to blame or at fault, and what was said or what really happened.
• Avoid destructive behaviors like: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. During difficult interactions, say to your spouse: "Help me understand" so he or she knows you truly care.
• Ask God to open the eyes of your heart toward your spouse and give you compassion for him or her.
• Respect how valuable and vulnerable your spouse's heart is by treating it gently.
• Set aside your temptation to blame your spouse and focus on simply caring for him or her instead.
• Express empathy ("I feel what you're feeling, and I want to share in your joy or pain.") and validation ("What you're feeling matters to me and you matter to me.") toward your spouse.

Speak to your spouse's heart. Give your spouse words of encouragement every day.

• Honor, motivate, and call out your spouse's spiritual gifts and natural talents.
• Find out what wounds and fear your spouse is struggling with, and what you can say to encourage your spouse to pursue healing.
• Consider people's most common intimacy needs -- acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security, and support -- and do what you can to help meet your spouse's intimacy needs through your marriage.
• Understand people's love languages -- words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch -- and express your love for your spouse in ways that best speak his or her specific love language.

Celebrate with your spouse's heart. Bring fun and laughter into your marriage often. Humor increases intimacy, reduces stress, and increases positive emotions. Intentionally turn toward your spouse each day to help prevent drifting apart. Spend as much time as you can together.

• As much as possible, do your everyday chores and errands together rather than separately.
• Pray with your spouse often. Share your dreams with each other regularly.
• Schedule dates whenever you can.
• Talk frequently about what God is doing in each of your lives.
• Learn something new together, such as through trying a new activity or taking a class.
• Serve others together by doing volunteer work side-by-side.
• Surprise your spouse by doing something unexpected every now and then (such as by playing a loving practical joke on him or her or planning a romantic getaway trip).

Reminisce about the positive events that have happened over the course of your marriage, and recall what qualities about each other first attracted you to each other. Protect your fun activities from being ruined by conflict by agreeing to talk about issues at other times instead of while you're trying to have fun together.
April 28, 2009.

---

Adapted from The Wholehearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship by Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Shawn Stoever. Published by Howard Books, a division of Simon & Schuster, West Monroe, La., http://christian.simonandschuster.com/.Dr. Greg Smalley is the coauthor of eight books, including The DNA of Relationships for Couples and The Marriage You've Always Dreamed Of. He is the director of Church Relationship Ministries for the Center for Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University and is also the founder of the National Institute of Marriage.

Dr. Shawn Stoever currently serves as a senior director for a nonprofit ministry called the WinShape Foundation, and he previously served as director of training for the Smalley Relationship Center.

What does spiritual leadership look like in marriage?

This is an interesting blog post that was sent to me email address.  I think it might be a little controversial because it implies that there is a leader in a marriage, but I think that when you see how this points the Christian man, you'll agree that this is a good thing.  It is by a blogger named Kevin East.  His personal blog is here. 

"Many Christian men want to lead their wives spiritually, but they have no idea what that means.  Many Christian women want to be led spiritually by their husbands, but they're not really sure what it looks like to follow.  Often times, what can result is a chaotic mess of unmet expectations.

Recently, I sat across the table from a young married man who wanted to know some practical ways to lead his wife.  He went through a short list of what he was currently doing, but felt that was somewhat inadequate.  After asking some men around him, he felt like the main question he got back was, "are you praying with your wife?".

I'm glad some men want to fill the role in their marriage as spiritual leaders.  Since God has called us, as men, to love our wives like Christ loved the Church, it is important that we put together some practical ways this plays out on a daily basis in our marriage relationships.


Here are a few ways I think men can lead spiritually in their home:

1. Pursue Christ. This is the foundation for good spiritual leadership.  Before you try to start leading, you need to make sure you are following.  Men whose hearts are humble before the Lord can be shaped by Him.  Sit before God regularly, with His Word open, eagerly seeking to be purified and conformed into His image.  Show her the importance of this in your life.  That will translate into your relationship as well.

2. Find out who has led your wife spiritually in the past. Think about your life.  Who made a distinct impact on you?  Was it a youth pastor, college pastor, Young Life leader?  Why did you learn so much from their presence in your life?

We all learn and are led differently.  If you can find out those things about your wife, I think you will get a better clue of what it means to lead her.  Your wife might love time together, just sitting and talking.  In those times, significant conversations are had that give you the opportunity to care for her soul.

3. Honor her publicly. Speak highly of your wife.  Don't focus on her flaws or deficits.  Be the man that makes your wife light up  when you speak about her at meal tables with your friends.

4. Sacrifice for her. Philippians 2 gives us a great picture of Jesus' love and example.  It is marked by putting others' needs before your own.  Do the same in marriage.  Put down the rights you think you deserve and start sacrificing for your wife.

Leadership begins by setting an example, and then asking someone to follow it.  As a man, take the initiative to sacrifice for your wife.

5. Be eager to serve. My temptation is merely to be able to serve.  Some days I am even willing to serve.  But Christ's example and calling for Christian leaders is to be eager to serve.

The other day my wife asked if I could help with one of our foster sons.  I made a joking comment in return, and then helped.  A couple of days later I apologized to her, recognizing that my attitude in that moment did not show her an eagerness to serve her.  That was not the type of husband I want to be.

6. Pray with her. Yes, I said it.  Pray with your wife.  This might be the go-to question for older men teaching younger men about spiritual leadership in marriage.  There is something unique and intimate about praying together.  I've read statistics of what prayer in marriages does for the health of a marriage.  It is profound.

Spiritual leadership in marriage is not something we should leave as a vague idea that exists in someone else's reality.  Instead, let's strive as men to fulfill the role that God has given us.

Any other concrete ideas of how a husband can lead a wife spiritually?"

Communication.... Or not!

This is an issue that has spelled the end of many relationships. Sometimes it is a lack of communication. Sometimes it is a miscommunication. Sometimes it is thoughtless, and mean communication. Imagine its import in a marriage! Communications is SO important.

At work, as part of my signature in my email, there is a quotation from George Bernard Shaw.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

I put it there to be a bit mischievous, and a bit ironic, but really this is SO true! I think of all the times I have written an email or a text message and thought that I was completely clear, and then someone responds to what I said with something that makes no sense compared to what I asked them for.

Ok, granted communication is complicated when you think about it. First, there is the person that creates the thought or the idea. They filter it through their set of assumptions and their experiences. There are certain things that they expect you to know, and if you don’t know those things you have already lost part of the idea that they intended.

So then when the idea comes out of their mouth, their emotions, and their body language and their voice tone play a major role in what is communicated. If they were too intense, or maybe they were tired, or distracted when they spoke, it can affect the way the message is sent. When speaking, we rarely have the time to really focus our words, and some people are better at it than others. Just take a few minutes when you are in the middle of a conversation and notice how many conversations are really just clipped words and sentences, or even the occasional grunt. It really is a wonder that people communicate at all.

Then there is communication in text form. I know I have been guilty of this in the past. You write something, and sometimes your intention is lost because the person you are writing to doesn’t pick up on your mischievous tone. Consider this. About 10% of communication comes from the words we say. The other 90% of communication comes from body language, voice tone, and other non-verbal cues. It is no wonder why so much can be confused in text form. And let’s not even get into the spelling that people have these days… or using the wrong homonym. (There, Their and They’re) … But I digress.

The person receiving the message has a part to play in this too. There is a difference between hearing and listening. We hear a lot of things, and forget them, but I would define listening as actively trying to hear something. It is a choice to focus on someone communicating with you.

Like before the experience and assumptions of the listener play a role as well. Those may or may not be the same as the person sending the message. When those experience and assumption filters are not the same the communication can break down. There are the emotions of the person receiving the message. There are the issues of body language and voice tone and all that on the side of the listener too. Maybe they are angry, or worried, or in some other charged of off-focus state. It is easy for them to misunderstand a message.

Men and women communicate differently, and they hear differently.  Women seem to be able to talk about 2 or 3 things at the same time.  Men, seem to be able to (for the most part) track one thing at a time.  Women seem to be able to feel their conversations more than men do.  Men seem to just spell out the facts, while sometimes women just wanted to have someone lsten.

Hurt and anger about topics make it even harder to discuss the topic the next time. It’s so complicated. Any number of things can be an impediment to communication. The only thing I have seen that works… Is grace. Listen closely, as best you can. If someone says something you perceive to be hurtful, clarify it rather than react to it. Do your best to be clear, and think through how what you are saying can be taken, both positive and negative. Learn from your mistakes. Love people where they are at.

In a married relationship, remember that love is the rule. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says it all:

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

You may have heard this a thousand times before, but really take some time to think about the words. Put your name in where the word Love is. With your name in the passage, is it true? Most of us fail in this area…. A lot. In communication… especially in marriage, love must be the goal.

Thoughts?

My Wife and I Fight!

This is an article that I saw and thought Yeah!  This is so true!  I keep hearing about people ending their marriages and I feel sad for them.  It’s like they need to really get to the point where their marriage is the most important relationship they have.  It has to be that thing that they put lots of value on... that they are willing to fight to keep!

By Kevin East

It's true.  Occasionally, my wife and I get into it.  Figuratively speaking, we kick, punch, claw, wrestle and just plainly get mad.  Throughout our marriage, the fighting hasn't gotten better; it's actually intensified.  And now here we sit, with a total of 5 kids in our home, and we realize we have a problem.  The problem: we aren't fighting enough.

For years we have spent time with couples in pre-marital counseling, talking to them about how God's desire in marriage is oneness.  This oneness can be described as intimate, sacrificial, transparent love for each other.  It's the type of love that demonstrates to this world the love that God has for His people.  Our other option - isolation.

Years ago Steph and I attended a marriage conference hosted by Family Life.  This lesson of oneness vs isolation has probably been what Steph and I remember most about that weekend.  We walked away realizing that unless we were purposeful at pursuing each other, we would slowly drift apart.

Fast forward all the way to a few weeks ago.  Steph and I were on a date, fumbling around over dinner.  I asked her the question how she thought we were doing with having 2 foster kids in addition to our 3 kids.  (A total of 5 under the age of 5).  What we realized on that date was that we were drifting.  Our marriage was fine, but we could see the small degree of separation that was forming due to all the craziness of life.
Even after our date I sent out this tweet:

"It's Date night with Steph.  Can't express how much we needed to reconnect."

When you first get married, you kind of just ride on that cloud of the freshness in marriage.  That lasts for a while.  And then change begins.  Add a child, some financial difficulty, some unexpected changes at work, and the next thing you know, those "troubles" that scripture promises begin to tear you apart.  Fighting for oneness as newlyweds only requires what an obese man with a really soft pillow could win.  It requires little stamina and the "punches" feel more playful than anything.

For us, we realized we need to step up our game.  The enemy wages war on marriage, and we are in it to win.  The fight I picture now is of an MMA fight.  The pillows have been reduced to almost bare-knuckle fighting.  "Eye of the Tiger" is playing in the background.  We - like Rocky did - are running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, training for a fight that is ongoing in our marriage.

We talked about a few changes we needed to make:
Recognition that we need to fight harder. The first thing for us was just realizing that our fight needed to intensify.  Once that happened, we were on the same page to talk about changes together.

Pray together more regularly. This isn't just before meals, but earnestly seeking the Lord together.  This has been something we've in which we've been lazy.  We want that to change.

Go on more regular dates. We go on dates pretty often.  What we realized, though, was with each child we have added to our finally, it increased the need for us to get away and connect.  So for us, what might have been once every 2-3 weeks needs to be once every 1-2 weeks.

Be purposeful on dates to interact at a deeper level. Our dates had become routine.  We'd go out to dinner and then to Starbucks, or maybe a movie.  What was missing was a deeper, more intimate conversation. We don't want our marriage merely to survive, but to thrive.  For this reason, we are making these changes.

How about you?  Is your marriage drifting?  Have you already noticed it was?  If so, what did you do about it? 
 

Should I get divorced? I'm miserable!

This was a question sent to Dr. Russell Moore.  I just thought that it rang true when you see all those people that get divorced with "irreconcilable differences" as the reason.  What do you think?

"Should I Divorce If I’m Miserable?

Dear Dr. Moore,
My wife and I are at an impasse. There’s been no abandonment, no sexual immorality, and no abuse. We just don’t get along. We shouldn’t have married. We should have known we are incompatible. I know God hates divorce but I don’t have any other option. My pastor and some Christian counselors have told me that while God hates divorce, this is the lesser of two evils because God doesn’t want me to be miserable. What do you think?

Married but Miserable




Dear Miserable,
Here’s what I think (and I’m paraphrasing a pastor friend of mine here). With “Christian” pastors and counselors like these, who needs demons?

Divorce isn’t about you, and it’s not just about your marriage. Divorce is the repudiation of a covenant. It doesn’t start anything over again. It instead defaces the icon God has embedded in the creation of the union between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22-31) .

I do believe that there are exceptions to Jesus’ prohibition against divorce: namely unrepentant sexual immorality or abandonment by a gospel-repudiating spouse. Neither of these, according to you, are present here and so you do not have reason to leave.

I plead with you to reconsider this and to understand that when you give account before the Judgment Seat of Christ, these “counselors” you have around you will not be present, and their cowardly justifications for sin will ring quite hollow.

Does God want you to be miserable? Long-term, no. And that’s why God has designed marriage as a life-long covenant signaling the gospel of Jesus Christ. In the long-term, God wants you to be deliriously happy. But by long-term, I mean the next trillion years, and beyond. In the short-term, one often must bear difficulty and, yes, even misery. Remaining faithful to a wife you wish you hadn’t married might seem miserable to you, but taking up a cross and following Jesus is “miserable,” in the short-run. That’s why the Book of Hebrews presents the life of faith in terms of not receiving what was promised (Heb. 11:39), but seeing it and embracing it from afar.

If you take the nuclear option of divorce off the table, you might find that you and your wife have more reason to seek help with your problems and make this work. But even if your marriage never becomes what you thought it might be, it is worth it to stand by your words and maintain fidelity to the wife of your youth.

What God has joined together, let no man separate (Mk. 10:9). And that includes the “shepherds” whose craven counsel leads to simply more chewable mutton for the wolves."

Making your marriage a safe place By April Motl

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859 

Marriage was intended to be a relationship of intimacy and that means vulnerability. After God, your spouse is the one who sees nearly every flaw. How we respond to each other’s weaknesses and insecurities can make or break the trust so vital to the intimacy of marriage.

Responding to your spouse's struggles with compassion and understanding creates an atmosphere of comfort, safety and trust.  Not only will your marriage be stronger, but as individuals you will be able to conquer more of those daunting tasks in life because you know you have a cheerleader right there beside you. As a husband or a wife, you have a place of influence that no one else has! We are wise to learn how to be our spouse’s safe place.

The following are some of the ways God prescribes we offer comfort and encouragement to our family in Christ:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

All of us feel overwhelmed or discouraged at times. When you see your spouse in that predicament instead of reminding him that he needs to work harder to climb the ladder of success or poking a finger at her struggle to juggle the demands of kids, the house and work, choose to comfort them with grace and love. God allows us to experience trials for many reasons, but one of them is because he wants us to reach out with compassion and understanding to others.

2 Corinthians 1:7: …knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort. 

The context of this verse describes a ministry partnership relationship, but doesn’t it also well describe how our marriages work? We ought to experience each others’ sufferings, but also share our comforts as we make this faith journey together.

2 Corinthians 2:7: …forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.
This verse references the sin of one of the members of the church Paul is writing to. In our marriages we, will see each other fail.  If your spouse is repentant, God’s heart is for you to respond with comfort and forgiveness.  It is so easy to keep that long list of offenses and mistakes our spouse has made and use it as our trump card whenever we need a little leverage in a dispute.  But what an opportunity we miss when we keep score!

Isaiah 35:3: Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble. 

This verse isn’t hard to understand how to apply -- is your honey worn out? Find a way to tangibly come alongside him or her to give encouragement and strength to them.  Maybe it is some time away from the responsibilities of life, a shoulder rub, making and cleaning up dinner or just listening to them process life.

1 Thessalonians 5:11-12: Therefore, encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. 

Use words that build your spouse up in love and truth!

Hebrews 3:13-14: But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Keep encouraging your spouse! Don’t get weary of it because we all need it!
One of the other ways we can comfort our spouse (and my hubby thought of this) is through sexual intimacy.  Now, just for fun, I want to share his thought process with you.

I asked him if he knew of any good comfort verses that applied directly to marriage, since the ones above pertained to the general Christian life.
He said, “God made Adam and Eve naked in the garden.”
“So, nakedness is comfort?” I responded with a little doubt because I was looking for a direct word correlation.
“Yes. They were comfortable being naked -- so comfortable, comfort -- that works!”

Not only were Adam and Eve partaking in physical intimacy, but there was no part of their physical, emotional, or spiritual union that held the slightest hint of uncomfortableness. They were free to be open and vulnerable with each other. Marriage was designed to be a completely safe relationship.   

Think about how you can direct your relationship toward its design as you interact with your spouse. And enjoy God’s design for marital intimacy along the way! However the Lord moves your heart to apply these truths to your marriage, I am praying that God opens your eyes to new opportunities to proactively comfort, encourage and strengthen your sweetheart!

follow Motl Ministries on Facebook or Twitter!

Join me for February Freebies, give-aways and free downloadable resources everyday this month at MotlMinistries.com.

How to be a Winning Husband

I wish I had wisdom like this, but I wanted to share this here.  Relationship issues are often what makes the marriage fall apart, and as a husband, I want to be a good husband.  These are some tips that I thought would be good to use... Thoughts?

This is a Whitney Hopler  reworking of a passage by Brian Goins in his book: Playing Hurt: A Guy’s Strategy for a Winning Marriage, (Kregel Publications, 2012).  Here we go!

Just like it’s hard for sports players to stay in the game after they’ve gotten hurt, it’s challenging to keep working on your marriage after your wife hurts you. You may feel like giving up hope of a better marriage when your wife injures you. But if you “play hurt” like sports heroes do, you’ll see God reward your faithfulness by bringing winning results out of your pain.

Here’s how you can develop a winning marriage by being a husband who stays in the game with God:

Realize that no wound, no matter how bad, needs to be fatal to your marriage. Your marriage can survive any type of wound your wife may give you (from rejecting your sexual advances in private to making disrespectful comments about you in public) if you trust God to help you persevere and respond faithfully to each challenge.

Pray for the guts to love your wife like Jesus Christ does. Decide to make Jesus your role model for how to love your wife, and make yourself accountable to Jesus for all you do in your role as a husband. Ask God to help you lead in such a way that it will be a joy and not a chore for your wife to submit to how you set the pace in the marriage, to love your wife in such a way that she won’t doubt your devotion to her, and to sacrifice in such a way that your wife sees Jesus in you when you give up selfish desires to pursue her best interests.

Move from a performance-based to faith-based relationship. Stop expecting that your wife must perform better in what she says and does in order for your marriage to get better. God will help you improve your marriage regardless of how your wife performs in her marriage role. When you shift your focus away from your wife’s performance and toward seeking God through your marriage, God will empower you to sustain anything you may go through. Pray for the strength you need to overcome your selfish impulses and love your wife as a man rather than as an immature boy. Recognize that doing so is a noble cause because it will bring God glory when people observe how you follow Him in your marriage. Also, when you put less pressure on your wife to live up to unrealistic expectations (such as by accepting her body’s natural aging process instead of hoping that she’ll always look like she did when you married her), you’ll motivate her to love you more out of gratitude for the love you’re showing her.

Fight your real enemy. Recognize that your wife is not your enemy; she’s on your same team. Your real enemy is Satan. Fight against evil daily by fleeing from the temptations to act selfishly in your marriage and praying for God’s will to be done in your relationship with your wife. Obey God when He calls you to do something that’s hard to do (like forgiving your wife after she’s hurt you), reminding yourself that God will give you the strength to do so if you just choose faithfulness over selfishness. Decide that you want victory in your marriage more than you want vindication for your injuries.

Enlist the help of others who care about you and your marriage. Find some guy friends who you can trust to encourage you, support you, and hold you accountable in your quest to build a winning marriage. Meet with them regularly and talk honestly and openly with them about how you’re doing as a husband. Listen to them when they remind you that marriage isn’t about your personal happiness; it’s about holiness. Follow any wise suggestions they make about how to strengthen your character and your marriage. Ask an older couple whose marriage you admire to tell you how they’ve built a great relationship with each other. Visit a marriage counselor to work through serious issues in your marriage.

Nourish your wife emotionally. Care for your wife’s emotions at least as much as you care for your own. Discover what your wife is passionate about, and support her efforts to pursue her passions. Ask your wife to answer these questions for you: “Do you feel the depth of my love? If not, how can I help you feel it?” and “Do you feel beautiful in my eyes? If not, how can I communicate that better?”.

Learn how to resolve marital conflict wisely. Set ground rules for how to resolve conflicts in your marriage with love and respect. Be willing to discuss difficult issues and work out solutions to challenging problems, no matter what.

Be a spiritual leader. Do all you can to be the spiritual leader that God has called you to be in your marriage, revolving your whole life around your relationship with Jesus and relying on the Holy Spirit working through you to live faithfully. Pray for your wife often, but also be sure to spend time regularly praying with your wife. When you and your wife connect to God together, God will use that time to draw you both closer to Him and each other.

Cherish your relationship with your wife more than your own sexual satisfaction. Focus on honoring your wife and working to pursue sexual intimacy with her rather than responding to a disappointing sex life by looking for satisfaction elsewhere. Pray for the help you need to stay away from pornography and set boundaries with other women to help prevent an affair from starting. Invest your energy into improving your sexual relationship with your wife.

This Wasn’t Part of the Deal

This is a blog post from April Motl.  I read this and wanted to share it.  I have seen this kind of struggle in every marriage I have encountered.  Ms. Motl just frames it well, and helps refine the thoughts.  This is something we can all apply to our marriages.

At the end of last summer my husband and I moved from Southern California to serve at a church in New England. After a crazy cross-country drive in our lil’ ol’ pick-up with a “handmade” trailer bumping away behind us, car repairs along the way, and my beloved Tommy kitty nearly dying en route, storms that made us wonder if weren’t all going to die on the road and draining humidity, we finally arrived in Massachusetts. We’d spent hours in Friday traffic starting somewhere in Jersey, through New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island and finally Mass; road grimy, exhausted and totally spent.

We were excited to move into our new home - a rented cabin in the woods, perfect for us, church gatherings and the friends and family who were coming to behold New England in all it’s autumn glory in just six weeks. Scooping up the pets, we declared that we were finally “home” and walked in the door. The house had been ill treated and left empty for six weeks before we arrived. We were greeted with mold, mice and maggots.

At first, I told my hubby I’d just get this place all scrubbed up and it would be fine. But as we surveyed the house, we found broken plumbing and issues that weren’t going to be quick fixes. Tommy kitty was totally freaked out and ready to climb back in the truck he hated so much just to get away from it all. We called the realtor that rented the house to us and checked into a motel 6. The rest of the night, both of us were coughing and having a hard time breathing (neither of us have asthma or any respiratory issues) just from spending an hour in the dank, moldy house.

It took nine weeks before the place was repaired, a hurricane that knocked out power for a week (which for those of us on a well, means water too) and some not-so-happy calls to a landlady we would soon learn had a history of nasty relationships with people. We learned about her fun relationships and sue-happy stance through visits to the house from police (looking for someone other than us) and her “friends”. We were next on her list of targets. Being threatened with a lawsuit, despite the fact that we knew we had done nothing wrong, was rattling, stressful and downright just too much!

This was SO not part of the deal!

We had entered into a contract made on good faith. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Months have past. Some things have settled down. But it made me think on another good faith contract we made, the one my husband and I made on our wedding day. We pledge life and love, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We try to prepare for the worst and pray for the best. But in reality, on that day, we have no idea what awaits us. There are unimaginable joys, but it’s the unimaginable pains that threaten to pull us apart.

The times when we feel like, “this so wasn’t part of the deal.” The times when we couldn’t have imagined that our spouse would be...
·         so depressed
·         so angry
·         out of work for so long
·         drink so much
·         need so much
·         be so irresponsible
·         become such a kill-joy
·         use words that hurt so deep
·         spend so much
·         work so much
·         yell so much
·         cry so much
·         be so selfish
·         put on so much weight
·         play video games and zone out so much
·         have so many children
·         never have children
·         lose the house
·         be so sick

On and on. No matter how much we love each other, there are bumps in the road and times when we look at life and marriage and silently think, “This so wasn’t part of the deal.” But, in reality, it was. Our pledges to one another cover over the territory our imaginations can conjure and beyond. Well beyond.

It is in the territory beyond what we imagined that we practice things like:

... put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Colossians 3:12-15 NAS

Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 NAS

Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Ephesians 5:21 NAS

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Philippians 2:2-3 NAS

If you are at one of those impasses in your marriage, ask someone to pray for you. Be honest with them (in ways that are caring and discreet towards your spouse). Pray for your own role as a husband or wife, pray for your spouse and for your marriage. Ask God for grace and a softness of heart to learn and grow through this season. And if you can, grab a more seasoned couple and pick their brains, hearts and memories for their journey. No one makes it “til-death-do-us-part” without bumps, valleys and stretching seasons. You are aren’t alone. So don’t go it alone! Lean into the Lord, your honey and those who are near you. Whether you feel it at the moment or not, God has poured the richness of His grace over you and your marriage; and He has provision enough for the territory beyond what you thought was part of the “deal.” May you know intimately the grace with which God has covered you, your journey and your love.

Need a place to start? follow Motl Ministries on facebook or twitter and we’ll send you a PDF of Scripture prayers for you & your marriage. Also, visit us this February for daily freebies and give-aways!

April Motl is a pastor’s wife who loves to laugh, loves her man, loves to talk on the phone entirely too long and most of all, loves her Lord. Collaborating with the joint efforts of her husband Eric, the two of them share a ministry dedicated to bringing God’s Word into the everyday lives of married couples, men and women. For more information about the ministry visit www.MotlMinistries.com.

Meet the Marriage Killer

This is an article I ran across by Elizabeth Bernstein in one of my emails.  It is just a practical one, but one I thought was worth posting.  So often disputes in marriage happen because of conflicting personality types, and this is one of the ways that it can manifest itself.  Have a read:

It's More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?

Ken Mac Dougall bit into the sandwich his wife had packed him for lunch and noticed something odd—a Post-it note tucked between the ham and the cheese. He pulled it out of his mouth, smoothed the crinkles and read what his wife had written: "Be in aisle 10 of Home Depot tonight at 6 p.m."

Marriage counselors warn that nagging is one of the leading causes for discord and divorce, Elizabeth Bernstein reports on Lunch Break. (Photo: Getty Images)

Mr. Mac Dougall was renovating the couple's Oak Ridge, N.J., kitchen, and his wife had been urging him to pick out the floor tiles. He felt he had plenty of time to do this task. She felt unheard.

"I thought the note was an ingenious and hysterical way to get his attention," says his wife, Janet Pfeiffer (whose occupation, interestingly enough, is a motivational speaker), recalling the incident which occurred several years ago. Her husband, a technician at a company that modifies vehicles for handicapped drivers, didn't really see it that way. "I don't need a reminder in the middle of my sandwich," he says.

Nagging—the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed—is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point. While the word itself can provoke chuckles and eye-rolling, the dynamic can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances. Experts say it is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.

Why do we nag? "We have a perception that we won't get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking in order to get it," says Scott Wetzler, a psychologist and vice chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. It is a vicious circle: The naggee tires of the badgering and starts to withhold, which makes the nagger nag more.

Personality contributes to the dynamic, Dr. Wetzler says. An extremely organized, obsessive or anxious person may not be able to refrain from giving reminders, especially if the partner is laid back and often does things at the last minute. Other people are naturally resistant—some might say lazy—and could bring out the nagger in anyone.

It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to resent them for nagging. But women are more likely to nag, experts say, largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don't get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong. The problem is that by asking repeatedly, they make things worse.

Men are to blame, too, because they don't always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.

Nagging can become a prime contributor to divorce when couples start fighting about the nagging rather than talking about the issue at the root of the nagging, says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has researched conflict and communication in relationships and offered relationship counseling and marriage seminars. He says that while all couples deal with nagging at some point, those who learn to reduce this type of negative communication will substantially increase their odds of staying together and keeping love alive. Couples who don't learn often fall out of love and split up.

Research that Dr. Markman published in 2010 in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication. "Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist," Dr. Markman says.

The good news: Couples can learn to stop nagging. Early in their marriage, Ms. Pfeiffer, now 62, repeatedly reminded her husband about household tasks and became more demanding when he ignored her. "If I was asking him to take care of something that mattered to me and he was blowing me off, that made me feel like I didn't matter," she says.

Mr. Mac Dougall, 58, says the nagging made his muscles tense, he would become silent and his eyes would glaze over in a "thousand-yard stare." "Her requests conveyed some sort of urgency that I didn't think was needed," he says. "If I said I was going to get to it, I would definitely get to it."

Ms. Pfeiffer decided to soften her approach. She asked herself, "How can I speak in a way that is not threatening or offensive to him?" She began writing requests on Post-it notes, adding little smiley faces or hearts. Mr. Mac Dougall says he was initially peeved about the sandwich note but did show up at Home Depot that evening smiling.

Ms. Pfeiffer sometimes writes notes to him from the appliances that need to be fixed. "I really need your help," a recent plea began. "I am really backed up and in a lot of discomfort." It was signed "your faithful bathtub drain." "As long as I am not putting pressure on him, he seems to respond better," Ms. Pfeiffer says. Mr. Mac Dougall agrees. "The notes distract me from the face-to-face interaction," he says. "There's no annoying tone of voice or body posture. It's all out of the equation."

The first step in curbing the nagging cycle, experts say, is to admit that you are stuck in a bad pattern. You are fighting about fighting. You need to work to understand what makes the other person tick. Rather than lazy and unloving, is your husband overworked and tired? Is your wife really suggesting she doesn't trust you? Or is she just trying to keep track of too many chores?

Noreen Egurbide, 44, of Westlake Village, Calif., says she used to give her husband frequent reminders to take out the garbage, get the car serviced or pick up the kids from school. "I thought I was helping him," she says. Jose Egurbide, 47, often waited a while before doing what she asked. The couple would argue. Sometimes Ms. Egurbide would just do it herself.

A few years ago, they got insight into their nagging problem after taking a problem-solving assessment test, the Kolbe Assessment. Ms. Egurbide, a business coach, learned she is a strategic planner who gathers facts and organizes in advance. Her husband, an attorney, learned that he is resistant to being boxed into a plan. Now, Ms. Egurbide says, "I don't take it personally when he doesn't respond." "There is a sense of recognition about what's happening," Mr. Egurbide says. "It's easier to accommodate each other."

Death by a Thousand Reminders

Is nagging a problem in your relationship? Here are some tips for both partners to help curb it.

•Calm down—both of you. Recognize the pattern you are in and talk about how to address it as a team. You will both need to change your behavior, and ground rules can help.

•Look at it from the other person's perspective. 'Honey, when you ignore me I feel that you don't love me.' 'I feel that you don't appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me.'

•If you are the nagger, realize you are asking for something. Use an 'I' not a 'you' statement. Say 'I would really like you to pay the Visa bill on time,' instead of 'You never pay the bill on time.'

•Explain why your request is important to you. 'I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. We can't afford to pay late fees.'

•Manage your expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is realistic and appropriate. Does the light bulb need to be changed immediately?

•Set a timeframe. Ask when your partner can expect to finish the task. ('Can you change the car oil this weekend?') Let him tell you when it works best for him to do it.

•If you are the naggee, give a clear response to your partner's request. Tell her honestly if you can do what she asks and when. Then follow through. Do what you say you will do.

•Consider alternative solutions. Maybe it's worth it to hire a handyman, rather than harm your relationship with arguing.

Source: WSJ reporting

—Email Elizabeth Bernstein at bonds@wsj.com or follow her column at www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ.