My Wife and I Fight!

This is an article that I saw and thought Yeah!  This is so true!  I keep hearing about people ending their marriages and I feel sad for them.  It’s like they need to really get to the point where their marriage is the most important relationship they have.  It has to be that thing that they put lots of value on... that they are willing to fight to keep!

By Kevin East

It's true.  Occasionally, my wife and I get into it.  Figuratively speaking, we kick, punch, claw, wrestle and just plainly get mad.  Throughout our marriage, the fighting hasn't gotten better; it's actually intensified.  And now here we sit, with a total of 5 kids in our home, and we realize we have a problem.  The problem: we aren't fighting enough.

For years we have spent time with couples in pre-marital counseling, talking to them about how God's desire in marriage is oneness.  This oneness can be described as intimate, sacrificial, transparent love for each other.  It's the type of love that demonstrates to this world the love that God has for His people.  Our other option - isolation.

Years ago Steph and I attended a marriage conference hosted by Family Life.  This lesson of oneness vs isolation has probably been what Steph and I remember most about that weekend.  We walked away realizing that unless we were purposeful at pursuing each other, we would slowly drift apart.

Fast forward all the way to a few weeks ago.  Steph and I were on a date, fumbling around over dinner.  I asked her the question how she thought we were doing with having 2 foster kids in addition to our 3 kids.  (A total of 5 under the age of 5).  What we realized on that date was that we were drifting.  Our marriage was fine, but we could see the small degree of separation that was forming due to all the craziness of life.
Even after our date I sent out this tweet:

"It's Date night with Steph.  Can't express how much we needed to reconnect."

When you first get married, you kind of just ride on that cloud of the freshness in marriage.  That lasts for a while.  And then change begins.  Add a child, some financial difficulty, some unexpected changes at work, and the next thing you know, those "troubles" that scripture promises begin to tear you apart.  Fighting for oneness as newlyweds only requires what an obese man with a really soft pillow could win.  It requires little stamina and the "punches" feel more playful than anything.

For us, we realized we need to step up our game.  The enemy wages war on marriage, and we are in it to win.  The fight I picture now is of an MMA fight.  The pillows have been reduced to almost bare-knuckle fighting.  "Eye of the Tiger" is playing in the background.  We - like Rocky did - are running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, training for a fight that is ongoing in our marriage.

We talked about a few changes we needed to make:
Recognition that we need to fight harder. The first thing for us was just realizing that our fight needed to intensify.  Once that happened, we were on the same page to talk about changes together.

Pray together more regularly. This isn't just before meals, but earnestly seeking the Lord together.  This has been something we've in which we've been lazy.  We want that to change.

Go on more regular dates. We go on dates pretty often.  What we realized, though, was with each child we have added to our finally, it increased the need for us to get away and connect.  So for us, what might have been once every 2-3 weeks needs to be once every 1-2 weeks.

Be purposeful on dates to interact at a deeper level. Our dates had become routine.  We'd go out to dinner and then to Starbucks, or maybe a movie.  What was missing was a deeper, more intimate conversation. We don't want our marriage merely to survive, but to thrive.  For this reason, we are making these changes.

How about you?  Is your marriage drifting?  Have you already noticed it was?  If so, what did you do about it? 
 

Should I get divorced? I'm miserable!

This was a question sent to Dr. Russell Moore.  I just thought that it rang true when you see all those people that get divorced with "irreconcilable differences" as the reason.  What do you think?

"Should I Divorce If I’m Miserable?

Dear Dr. Moore,
My wife and I are at an impasse. There’s been no abandonment, no sexual immorality, and no abuse. We just don’t get along. We shouldn’t have married. We should have known we are incompatible. I know God hates divorce but I don’t have any other option. My pastor and some Christian counselors have told me that while God hates divorce, this is the lesser of two evils because God doesn’t want me to be miserable. What do you think?

Married but Miserable




Dear Miserable,
Here’s what I think (and I’m paraphrasing a pastor friend of mine here). With “Christian” pastors and counselors like these, who needs demons?

Divorce isn’t about you, and it’s not just about your marriage. Divorce is the repudiation of a covenant. It doesn’t start anything over again. It instead defaces the icon God has embedded in the creation of the union between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22-31) .

I do believe that there are exceptions to Jesus’ prohibition against divorce: namely unrepentant sexual immorality or abandonment by a gospel-repudiating spouse. Neither of these, according to you, are present here and so you do not have reason to leave.

I plead with you to reconsider this and to understand that when you give account before the Judgment Seat of Christ, these “counselors” you have around you will not be present, and their cowardly justifications for sin will ring quite hollow.

Does God want you to be miserable? Long-term, no. And that’s why God has designed marriage as a life-long covenant signaling the gospel of Jesus Christ. In the long-term, God wants you to be deliriously happy. But by long-term, I mean the next trillion years, and beyond. In the short-term, one often must bear difficulty and, yes, even misery. Remaining faithful to a wife you wish you hadn’t married might seem miserable to you, but taking up a cross and following Jesus is “miserable,” in the short-run. That’s why the Book of Hebrews presents the life of faith in terms of not receiving what was promised (Heb. 11:39), but seeing it and embracing it from afar.

If you take the nuclear option of divorce off the table, you might find that you and your wife have more reason to seek help with your problems and make this work. But even if your marriage never becomes what you thought it might be, it is worth it to stand by your words and maintain fidelity to the wife of your youth.

What God has joined together, let no man separate (Mk. 10:9). And that includes the “shepherds” whose craven counsel leads to simply more chewable mutton for the wolves."

Making your marriage a safe place By April Motl

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859 

Marriage was intended to be a relationship of intimacy and that means vulnerability. After God, your spouse is the one who sees nearly every flaw. How we respond to each other’s weaknesses and insecurities can make or break the trust so vital to the intimacy of marriage.

Responding to your spouse's struggles with compassion and understanding creates an atmosphere of comfort, safety and trust.  Not only will your marriage be stronger, but as individuals you will be able to conquer more of those daunting tasks in life because you know you have a cheerleader right there beside you. As a husband or a wife, you have a place of influence that no one else has! We are wise to learn how to be our spouse’s safe place.

The following are some of the ways God prescribes we offer comfort and encouragement to our family in Christ:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

All of us feel overwhelmed or discouraged at times. When you see your spouse in that predicament instead of reminding him that he needs to work harder to climb the ladder of success or poking a finger at her struggle to juggle the demands of kids, the house and work, choose to comfort them with grace and love. God allows us to experience trials for many reasons, but one of them is because he wants us to reach out with compassion and understanding to others.

2 Corinthians 1:7: …knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort. 

The context of this verse describes a ministry partnership relationship, but doesn’t it also well describe how our marriages work? We ought to experience each others’ sufferings, but also share our comforts as we make this faith journey together.

2 Corinthians 2:7: …forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.
This verse references the sin of one of the members of the church Paul is writing to. In our marriages we, will see each other fail.  If your spouse is repentant, God’s heart is for you to respond with comfort and forgiveness.  It is so easy to keep that long list of offenses and mistakes our spouse has made and use it as our trump card whenever we need a little leverage in a dispute.  But what an opportunity we miss when we keep score!

Isaiah 35:3: Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble. 

This verse isn’t hard to understand how to apply -- is your honey worn out? Find a way to tangibly come alongside him or her to give encouragement and strength to them.  Maybe it is some time away from the responsibilities of life, a shoulder rub, making and cleaning up dinner or just listening to them process life.

1 Thessalonians 5:11-12: Therefore, encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. 

Use words that build your spouse up in love and truth!

Hebrews 3:13-14: But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Keep encouraging your spouse! Don’t get weary of it because we all need it!
One of the other ways we can comfort our spouse (and my hubby thought of this) is through sexual intimacy.  Now, just for fun, I want to share his thought process with you.

I asked him if he knew of any good comfort verses that applied directly to marriage, since the ones above pertained to the general Christian life.
He said, “God made Adam and Eve naked in the garden.”
“So, nakedness is comfort?” I responded with a little doubt because I was looking for a direct word correlation.
“Yes. They were comfortable being naked -- so comfortable, comfort -- that works!”

Not only were Adam and Eve partaking in physical intimacy, but there was no part of their physical, emotional, or spiritual union that held the slightest hint of uncomfortableness. They were free to be open and vulnerable with each other. Marriage was designed to be a completely safe relationship.   

Think about how you can direct your relationship toward its design as you interact with your spouse. And enjoy God’s design for marital intimacy along the way! However the Lord moves your heart to apply these truths to your marriage, I am praying that God opens your eyes to new opportunities to proactively comfort, encourage and strengthen your sweetheart!

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