This is an issue that has spelled the end of many relationships. Sometimes it is a lack of communication. Sometimes it is a miscommunication. Sometimes it is thoughtless, and mean communication. Imagine its import in a marriage! Communications is SO important.
At work, as part of my signature in my email, there is a quotation from George Bernard Shaw.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
I put it there to be a bit mischievous, and a bit ironic, but really this is SO true! I think of all the times I have written an email or a text message and thought that I was completely clear, and then someone responds to what I said with something that makes no sense compared to what I asked them for.
Ok, granted communication is complicated when you think about it. First, there is the person that creates the thought or the idea. They filter it through their set of assumptions and their experiences. There are certain things that they expect you to know, and if you don’t know those things you have already lost part of the idea that they intended.
So then when the idea comes out of their mouth, their emotions, and their body language and their voice tone play a major role in what is communicated. If they were too intense, or maybe they were tired, or distracted when they spoke, it can affect the way the message is sent. When speaking, we rarely have the time to really focus our words, and some people are better at it than others. Just take a few minutes when you are in the middle of a conversation and notice how many conversations are really just clipped words and sentences, or even the occasional grunt. It really is a wonder that people communicate at all.
Then there is communication in text form. I know I have been guilty of this in the past. You write something, and sometimes your intention is lost because the person you are writing to doesn’t pick up on your mischievous tone. Consider this. About 10% of communication comes from the words we say. The other 90% of communication comes from body language, voice tone, and other non-verbal cues. It is no wonder why so much can be confused in text form. And let’s not even get into the spelling that people have these days… or using the wrong homonym. (There, Their and They’re) … But I digress.
The person receiving the message has a part to play in this too. There is a difference between hearing and listening. We hear a lot of things, and forget them, but I would define listening as actively trying to hear something. It is a choice to focus on someone communicating with you.
Like before the experience and assumptions of the listener play a role as well. Those may or may not be the same as the person sending the message. When those experience and assumption filters are not the same the communication can break down. There are the emotions of the person receiving the message. There are the issues of body language and voice tone and all that on the side of the listener too. Maybe they are angry, or worried, or in some other charged of off-focus state. It is easy for them to misunderstand a message.
Men and women communicate differently, and they hear differently. Women seem to be able to talk about 2 or 3 things at the same time. Men, seem to be able to (for the most part) track one thing at a time. Women seem to be able to feel their conversations more than men do. Men seem to just spell out the facts, while sometimes women just wanted to have someone lsten.
Hurt and anger about topics make it even harder to discuss the topic the next time. It’s so complicated. Any number of things can be an impediment to communication. The only thing I have seen that works… Is grace. Listen closely, as best you can. If someone says something you perceive to be hurtful, clarify it rather than react to it. Do your best to be clear, and think through how what you are saying can be taken, both positive and negative. Learn from your mistakes. Love people where they are at.
In a married relationship, remember that love is the rule. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says it all:
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
You may have heard this a thousand times before, but really take some time to think about the words. Put your name in where the word Love is. With your name in the passage, is it true? Most of us fail in this area…. A lot. In communication… especially in marriage, love must be the goal.
Thoughts?
