My wife ran into this post on a blog she reads. I read it and wanted to share the poem with you. There are too many stories out there about marriages ruined by pornography, and this was the reflections of a wife speaking to her husband about his issues. It's a little graphic so be warned. I'll post the link at the end so you can go see the full blog post.
God, let there be more people willing to address this issue straight on:
“I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”
I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.
Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.
Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.
Who am I that you cannot make love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.
Where are you?
Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making hate to someone else
Instead of making love to me?
I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…people like me
Tortured, humiliated, hated, used
Discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?
If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling.
Hands bound, mouth gagged.
Fisheye photo, contorting reality
Distorting the woman into exaggerated breasts.
The haunted eyes, windows of a tormented soul
Warped by the lens into the background,
Because souls don’t matter, only bodies do
To men who consume them.
Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual torture
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me.
An image burned into their brains.
Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?
I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of hatred
And come out of your locked room to love?
You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When hatred rules in your heart.
Your cruelty has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your rage?
That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.
I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.
Was it worth it?
http://www.challies.com/quotes/i-looked-for-love-in-your-eyes
December 20, 2010
Things never to say to your wife...
In the interest of promoting a healthy marriage, here are some suggestions from Tim Hawkins:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DiK2OakMoW_c%26feature%3Drelated&h=770fa
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DiK2OakMoW_c%26feature%3Drelated&h=770fa
December 13, 2010
Real Love Affirms
I ran across this little idea reading Unshakeable Faith, by Josh and Sean McDowell (Page 178). I have heard the idea before, but I still struggle to do what he is suggesting.
Under the heading, “Real Love Affirms” it reads:
“One day Dottie came home from a meeting at school very hurt over what some mothers had said about one of our kids. In the past when she shared a problem like that with me, I would leap on the situation and say something like, ‘Honey, don’t let it get to you. Here’s what you need to do.’ Then I would outline a plan to fix the problem. It may have been a good plan, but it didn’t address the pain Dottie felt at the moment. But on this particular occasion, I finally got it right. I simply put my arms around her and said, ‘Honey, I’m so sorry that you had to hear those words, and I hurt for you.’ That was it—no fix-it plan, no corrective measures outlined, just a heartfelt expression that identified with her pain.
Amazingly, it worked. Dottie felt affirmed and understood, and that was all she needed at the moment. A few days later she came back to me and asked what I thought she could do to address those critical comments about the family member. My fix-it plan was then welcomed.
We don’t have to understand exactly what a person is going through in order to give them affirming love.”
Especially with men and their wives… Men try to solve the problem, when often all they need to do is listen and be there for their wives to feel what they are feeling. Guys, be aware of this. Love your wives the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love them. Love is about what you can do for them, not about being the superhero there to save the day.
Just some thoughts.
Under the heading, “Real Love Affirms” it reads:
“One day Dottie came home from a meeting at school very hurt over what some mothers had said about one of our kids. In the past when she shared a problem like that with me, I would leap on the situation and say something like, ‘Honey, don’t let it get to you. Here’s what you need to do.’ Then I would outline a plan to fix the problem. It may have been a good plan, but it didn’t address the pain Dottie felt at the moment. But on this particular occasion, I finally got it right. I simply put my arms around her and said, ‘Honey, I’m so sorry that you had to hear those words, and I hurt for you.’ That was it—no fix-it plan, no corrective measures outlined, just a heartfelt expression that identified with her pain.
Amazingly, it worked. Dottie felt affirmed and understood, and that was all she needed at the moment. A few days later she came back to me and asked what I thought she could do to address those critical comments about the family member. My fix-it plan was then welcomed.
We don’t have to understand exactly what a person is going through in order to give them affirming love.”
Especially with men and their wives… Men try to solve the problem, when often all they need to do is listen and be there for their wives to feel what they are feeling. Guys, be aware of this. Love your wives the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love them. Love is about what you can do for them, not about being the superhero there to save the day.
Just some thoughts.
May 14, 2010
Oh Be Careful Little Eyes….
Oh be careful little eyes what you see…. A line from a familiar Sunday School song. It’s something that must be applied in marriage. Both men and women can be caught letting their eyes wander. I’m not going to address pornography here except to say that it has no place in Christian marriage. If you are having struggles with this, make sure you get into a regular time with God, and get focused on what He has for you. There are ministries that you can look into to get a good idea of the full impact and consequences of it. You can be encouraged and restored. One example is xxxchurch.com.
I think people underestimate how much work it takes to make a marriage work. People need to work at it and need to develop some skills to move forward. Some people grew up around good role models. Some people have picked up good habits along the way. A marriage, like anything worth keeping, takes maintenance. It’s pretty easy when you first start out. It’s just the two of you. Throw kids into the mix and it can be about managing the house more than being husband and wife. Somewhere you both still have those romantic feelings for each other, but once you’re ready to snuggle for a minute there are two kids and a dog trying to snuggle too. It is so true what my pastor says, when you are going to have a fight with your spouse the kids disappear and the dog hides under the table. When there are hugs going around, everyone in the house wants to be in the middle of it.
Sometimes in marriage the relationship gets dry. This is the time to be most cautious. I have heard of marriages that faltered or broke down because there was a dryness in the relationship. If one spouse suddenly gets attention elsewhere…. Uh-oh!
Men and women, be careful how you treat your friends of the opposite sex… treat them in absolute purity… no grey area. We may not know of difficulty in a relationship. Don’t become the stumbling block.
Some say that when things are not like they were at the beginning, that it is time to move on. WRONG! That is time to work on the relationship. Romance is not something that is just “there”. It must be stirred up from time to time.
It can be discouraging to think of how easily a marriage can break. Both people have to learn how to be married. That takes time. When you are in a relationship that you are committing to for the rest of your life, then that should be plenty of time to learn it right? Seriously though, it does take time. It takes work. If you have found that person that loves God more than they love you, and you strive to love God more than you love your spouse, then as you choose to love your spouse, your relationship will get stronger.
I guess I could summarize marriage as loving God, and being selfless in loving your spouse. It is the battle between doing what you want versus doing what your spouse needs. Even in the tough, dry times, choose to love your spouse, pray for them, and do those things that you know will please and encourage them.
Where you focus, where your eyes are, and what they see will be where you go. Any good driver will tell you that you should look where you want to go. If your heart wants to go after God, then choose to look to him and the other things will fall into place.
Marriage is worth the effort. It represents God’s relationship with the church, and is seen through the relationship with a husband and wife. Marriage is one of the best tools for refining you. Live with someone that knows you so intimately, and learn to do the right thing at all times…. That takes refining. You’ll fail lots, and you’ll succeed lots. Hopefully as you work on your relationship with God, your character changes and you become more like the character of Jesus.
Now what about if a wife or a husband decides that they don’t want to be a Christian any more even though they started out the marriage that way? Or what if one decides they are done with the marriage? I have seen this happen a few times and it leaves someone either living in a difficult situation because of a difference in values and convictions. Or they can be devastated if someone leaves the marriage go for someone else. Obviously they missed the “’til death do us part” portion of their vows.
People seem to want the big romantic, fun party of a wedding, but they often don’t understand what it is that they are getting into. How can people not talk about things like kids, and job goals and all that before they choose to get married? What about disease? Sometimes and unexpected illness can be a huge shift in life. I know it might seem quite petty, but what if all of a sudden an injury happened or a disease happened that made sex impossible? Is that grounds to end the marriage? No. In sickness and in health.
Marriage must be about focus on God and focus on loving your spouse selflessly. As soon as you let your eye wander… it’s time to refocus…. It’s time to maybe even get counseling. Marriage is so valuable. Keep focused on making it stronger.
I think people underestimate how much work it takes to make a marriage work. People need to work at it and need to develop some skills to move forward. Some people grew up around good role models. Some people have picked up good habits along the way. A marriage, like anything worth keeping, takes maintenance. It’s pretty easy when you first start out. It’s just the two of you. Throw kids into the mix and it can be about managing the house more than being husband and wife. Somewhere you both still have those romantic feelings for each other, but once you’re ready to snuggle for a minute there are two kids and a dog trying to snuggle too. It is so true what my pastor says, when you are going to have a fight with your spouse the kids disappear and the dog hides under the table. When there are hugs going around, everyone in the house wants to be in the middle of it.
Sometimes in marriage the relationship gets dry. This is the time to be most cautious. I have heard of marriages that faltered or broke down because there was a dryness in the relationship. If one spouse suddenly gets attention elsewhere…. Uh-oh!
Men and women, be careful how you treat your friends of the opposite sex… treat them in absolute purity… no grey area. We may not know of difficulty in a relationship. Don’t become the stumbling block.
Some say that when things are not like they were at the beginning, that it is time to move on. WRONG! That is time to work on the relationship. Romance is not something that is just “there”. It must be stirred up from time to time.
It can be discouraging to think of how easily a marriage can break. Both people have to learn how to be married. That takes time. When you are in a relationship that you are committing to for the rest of your life, then that should be plenty of time to learn it right? Seriously though, it does take time. It takes work. If you have found that person that loves God more than they love you, and you strive to love God more than you love your spouse, then as you choose to love your spouse, your relationship will get stronger.
I guess I could summarize marriage as loving God, and being selfless in loving your spouse. It is the battle between doing what you want versus doing what your spouse needs. Even in the tough, dry times, choose to love your spouse, pray for them, and do those things that you know will please and encourage them.
Where you focus, where your eyes are, and what they see will be where you go. Any good driver will tell you that you should look where you want to go. If your heart wants to go after God, then choose to look to him and the other things will fall into place.
Marriage is worth the effort. It represents God’s relationship with the church, and is seen through the relationship with a husband and wife. Marriage is one of the best tools for refining you. Live with someone that knows you so intimately, and learn to do the right thing at all times…. That takes refining. You’ll fail lots, and you’ll succeed lots. Hopefully as you work on your relationship with God, your character changes and you become more like the character of Jesus.
Now what about if a wife or a husband decides that they don’t want to be a Christian any more even though they started out the marriage that way? Or what if one decides they are done with the marriage? I have seen this happen a few times and it leaves someone either living in a difficult situation because of a difference in values and convictions. Or they can be devastated if someone leaves the marriage go for someone else. Obviously they missed the “’til death do us part” portion of their vows.
People seem to want the big romantic, fun party of a wedding, but they often don’t understand what it is that they are getting into. How can people not talk about things like kids, and job goals and all that before they choose to get married? What about disease? Sometimes and unexpected illness can be a huge shift in life. I know it might seem quite petty, but what if all of a sudden an injury happened or a disease happened that made sex impossible? Is that grounds to end the marriage? No. In sickness and in health.
Marriage must be about focus on God and focus on loving your spouse selflessly. As soon as you let your eye wander… it’s time to refocus…. It’s time to maybe even get counseling. Marriage is so valuable. Keep focused on making it stronger.
Marriage and Communication...
Communication is a key to marriage. It is something that can be strong with a lot of nurturing, or can breakdown with very little effort at all. Like anything else that is worth doing, it takes effort and practice.
This is one of the ways that God’s design for the differences between men and women shows itself. Men tend to think in a way that wants to solve the problem. Women tend to think and speak in a way that comes from their emotions. Men seem to be conditioned by our culture to feel happy or angry… nothing else. Women feel better just to talk something out… not necessarily solve the problem.
Someone could say the same thing to a man and then to a woman. To the man it might not be that big of a deal and he shrugs it off, like a small stone on a rhinoceros. Say the same thing to a woman and it can be like the same small rock, but on the back of a butterfly. It could crush her.
My purpose is not to try to make one way of thinking better or worse than the other. I am just noting a difference. Of course all people have different things that have acted on them and influence how they think and reason and feel. That being said, communication is so much more about listening than it is about speaking. Some have quipped that we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak.
Especially in marriage, the time we spend with our spouse should be about active listening. If you think that you might not have understood something, ask them questions to clarify. Sometimes if a topic is delicate, lead in with something that gives your spouse a minute to brace themselves, like, “I have something important to talk to you about.”
Be careful about the words that you choose. Most people are sensitive to your words. People that are more emotional (men or women) could react to words spoken badly. It takes effort to learn to respond to what is being said rather than react. Women, if your man says something to you that could be interpreted two ways and one of them is mean or insensitive… we meant the other one.
Ultimately, all of this comes down to people learning to speak and listen in love. Yelling things in anger or saying things with intent to hurt are not things that should be in Christian marriage. We all choose what to say, and sometimes we say something that we know we shouldn’t have. Surrender. Submit to each other in love and make things right. Forgive. Sometimes fights don’t resolve themselves because no one wants to humble themselves and say that they are sorry.
Communication is an art that is worth pursuit.
Thoughts?
This is one of the ways that God’s design for the differences between men and women shows itself. Men tend to think in a way that wants to solve the problem. Women tend to think and speak in a way that comes from their emotions. Men seem to be conditioned by our culture to feel happy or angry… nothing else. Women feel better just to talk something out… not necessarily solve the problem.
Someone could say the same thing to a man and then to a woman. To the man it might not be that big of a deal and he shrugs it off, like a small stone on a rhinoceros. Say the same thing to a woman and it can be like the same small rock, but on the back of a butterfly. It could crush her.
My purpose is not to try to make one way of thinking better or worse than the other. I am just noting a difference. Of course all people have different things that have acted on them and influence how they think and reason and feel. That being said, communication is so much more about listening than it is about speaking. Some have quipped that we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak.
Especially in marriage, the time we spend with our spouse should be about active listening. If you think that you might not have understood something, ask them questions to clarify. Sometimes if a topic is delicate, lead in with something that gives your spouse a minute to brace themselves, like, “I have something important to talk to you about.”
Be careful about the words that you choose. Most people are sensitive to your words. People that are more emotional (men or women) could react to words spoken badly. It takes effort to learn to respond to what is being said rather than react. Women, if your man says something to you that could be interpreted two ways and one of them is mean or insensitive… we meant the other one.
Ultimately, all of this comes down to people learning to speak and listen in love. Yelling things in anger or saying things with intent to hurt are not things that should be in Christian marriage. We all choose what to say, and sometimes we say something that we know we shouldn’t have. Surrender. Submit to each other in love and make things right. Forgive. Sometimes fights don’t resolve themselves because no one wants to humble themselves and say that they are sorry.
Communication is an art that is worth pursuit.
Thoughts?
April 29, 2010
To Love, Honour, and CHERISH!
Wedding vows… Anyone that has gone through the process of getting married in a church has had to say them. I know. In our new, on-demand culture, some people have written their own or used different vows, but the traditional vows speak about promising to love, honour and cherish their spouse…. That vision of beauty that stand in front of you. Books upon books have been written about love and about how it is a choice to love someone, and not an emotion.
The idea of honour has been addressed many times, although I could discuss it at length as honour has become very watered down in this culture. There is something to be said about knowing that you can trust someone to do what they say they will. Now we have to write up contracts to protect ourselves for everything. Where would the People’s Court be without that, right?
My real point today is to apply what it means to cherish. A good place to start is with a definition: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for
Some synonyms are: treasure, value, prize, appreciate, relish, take pleasure in, esteem, attach importance to.
Let’s use these synonyms to really dig into what it means to cherish.
The Bible says, in Matthew 6:2, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Basically, where you spend your time and energy and emotion, that is where your treasure is. What is that thing for you? That person? Do you find yourself talking about your spouse in a good way? Or do you talk more about your mint-in-box, complete collection of Peanuts collector plates?
If something has value to you, how will you treat it? What if you had the chance to have one of the world’s most valuable and delicate pieces of art in your home? I would hope that you would treat it gently, and that you would do what was needed to protect it from any harsh forces. If you value something or someone, it will show in how you treat them. In marriage, should you not strive for gentleness and respect? Should any harsh words that happen to slip out come to a quick, restoring solution?
What about prize? A prize is something that is to be pursued. It is something of value. It motivates. It inspires. Is your spouse a prize? Have you stopped pursuing them?
Do you appreciate your spouse? Are you thankful for them? This is something that may require an attitude shift, but when was the last time you thanked your spouse for something that they did? Show them that you appreciate them and notice the things that they do.
Relish…. I love ice cream. I LOVE Breyers “All Natural”, triple chocolate ice cream. It has three bands of flavour…. Rich dark chocolate, creamy milk chocolate and light white chocolate. I can sit there with a bowl of it and spoon after spoon just sit… and enjoy… each…. Little… bit. It’s really expensive, so I can only buy it when it is on sale. It’s so amazing! When was the last time you had that kind of time with your spouse? A little snuggle… maybe steal a kiss here or there. Enjoy your spouse. Spend time together. Have fun together. I get that when there are little kids on the house it is tough to find time, but it is SO important.
Have you ever been proud of something that you did? Have you been there when someone talks about how great someone that is important to you is? Love those things that make your spouse look good! Let them know how amazing you think they are too!
Esteem is similar to appreciation, but more action is needed. It is not just about thankfulness, but about showing respect and admiring your spouse. There are several people in my life that inspire me. Most of them know it too, but the one I admire most is my wife. She is my superhero! Who else can birth three kids, all naturally, and then take care of them, giving up sleep, pouring into them and nurturing them, and still be able to be my friend and wife? She’s amazing! Do you esteem your spouse more highly then yourself?
What about attaching importance to your spouse? Think about what that really means. If something is important, you know it, and you tell others. But think about it this way. Big project at work. You have work to accomplish over a period of time. If this goes well, you will bring in a million dollars just as your share of the profits. The project is going to take place over two to three years. There will be days where you wake up and have a clear idea as to what to do, and there will be days where you don’t feel like working at it. You could choose to slack off and ignore it and slowly, but surely your profits will go out the window. The other choice is to attach importance to it and do what is best for the project even though you don’t feel like it. How much more should we work at something as valuable as marriage? It is meant to be for life. It is something to be worked on and built and refined until death does it part.
Your marriage is meant to be cherished. Don’t throw something that important away!
The idea of honour has been addressed many times, although I could discuss it at length as honour has become very watered down in this culture. There is something to be said about knowing that you can trust someone to do what they say they will. Now we have to write up contracts to protect ourselves for everything. Where would the People’s Court be without that, right?
My real point today is to apply what it means to cherish. A good place to start is with a definition: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for
Some synonyms are: treasure, value, prize, appreciate, relish, take pleasure in, esteem, attach importance to.
Let’s use these synonyms to really dig into what it means to cherish.
The Bible says, in Matthew 6:2, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Basically, where you spend your time and energy and emotion, that is where your treasure is. What is that thing for you? That person? Do you find yourself talking about your spouse in a good way? Or do you talk more about your mint-in-box, complete collection of Peanuts collector plates?
If something has value to you, how will you treat it? What if you had the chance to have one of the world’s most valuable and delicate pieces of art in your home? I would hope that you would treat it gently, and that you would do what was needed to protect it from any harsh forces. If you value something or someone, it will show in how you treat them. In marriage, should you not strive for gentleness and respect? Should any harsh words that happen to slip out come to a quick, restoring solution?
What about prize? A prize is something that is to be pursued. It is something of value. It motivates. It inspires. Is your spouse a prize? Have you stopped pursuing them?
Do you appreciate your spouse? Are you thankful for them? This is something that may require an attitude shift, but when was the last time you thanked your spouse for something that they did? Show them that you appreciate them and notice the things that they do.
Relish…. I love ice cream. I LOVE Breyers “All Natural”, triple chocolate ice cream. It has three bands of flavour…. Rich dark chocolate, creamy milk chocolate and light white chocolate. I can sit there with a bowl of it and spoon after spoon just sit… and enjoy… each…. Little… bit. It’s really expensive, so I can only buy it when it is on sale. It’s so amazing! When was the last time you had that kind of time with your spouse? A little snuggle… maybe steal a kiss here or there. Enjoy your spouse. Spend time together. Have fun together. I get that when there are little kids on the house it is tough to find time, but it is SO important.
Have you ever been proud of something that you did? Have you been there when someone talks about how great someone that is important to you is? Love those things that make your spouse look good! Let them know how amazing you think they are too!
Esteem is similar to appreciation, but more action is needed. It is not just about thankfulness, but about showing respect and admiring your spouse. There are several people in my life that inspire me. Most of them know it too, but the one I admire most is my wife. She is my superhero! Who else can birth three kids, all naturally, and then take care of them, giving up sleep, pouring into them and nurturing them, and still be able to be my friend and wife? She’s amazing! Do you esteem your spouse more highly then yourself?
What about attaching importance to your spouse? Think about what that really means. If something is important, you know it, and you tell others. But think about it this way. Big project at work. You have work to accomplish over a period of time. If this goes well, you will bring in a million dollars just as your share of the profits. The project is going to take place over two to three years. There will be days where you wake up and have a clear idea as to what to do, and there will be days where you don’t feel like working at it. You could choose to slack off and ignore it and slowly, but surely your profits will go out the window. The other choice is to attach importance to it and do what is best for the project even though you don’t feel like it. How much more should we work at something as valuable as marriage? It is meant to be for life. It is something to be worked on and built and refined until death does it part.
Your marriage is meant to be cherished. Don’t throw something that important away!
February 18, 2010
The Shift… (Marriage over the years.)
There you are, standing up in front of all of your friends and family. You follow the woman that you love coming down the aisle where she comes to see you and stand with the pastor. You say your vows… Love… honour… cherish… rich or poor… sick or health… as long as you both shall live.
Whoosh!
Now let’s travel ten years later. You wake up with this person beside you and you wonder who they are. It’s your spouse, but it seems like they are such a different person than they used to be. Is this the person that I said I would spend the rest of my life with? I don’t want to be here right now.
How did you get to this point? So many things act on people over the years. So many people come across our path. So many forces act on us and change who we are and what we grow into. I have to admit that even in my marriage it is tough at times. I don’t know how my wife puts up with me!
We tend to get into the marriage with a couple of assumptions. Men tend to think that things won’t change. They like things this way and when they change, they tend to resist them. Women tend to see a marriage as a project, something to start with right here, and then make better.
Life happens though. How did I end up with what seems to be 37 kids? What happened to the woman that always looked hot? When did she decide that sleep pants and sweatshirts were her uniform?
At my wedding, the pastor that married me, (only half) joking said, “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” I laughed on the day, but I now know how true that is. Change is good for any healthy for any relationship, but some change brings strife with it.
What happens when you start out being a couple that has a common set of values? What happens when one of you changes to a different set of values? What happens when an illness comes in, and the person that is ill has problems dealing with it, and begins to be abusive? What if the issues modelled by a spouses parents spills into your marriage? How do you deal with it?
What if over time, the spark is gone and you have no idea how to find it again? I hear this one often… sometimes I have seen it in my marriage. Kids, jobs, housework, insert your issue here. Too often lots of life stuff happens and spouses forget to be spouses.
As a young man, my dad told me that being married was hard. I believed him then, and now I say the same thing. There are so many shifts and changes that you couldn’t possibly anticipate. How we deal with those changes will either make our marriage stronger, or weaker.
Looking at just the idea that loving someone comes down to choosing to love them, and is not about the “fuzzy feeling” is huge in marriage. Loving your spouse is easy some days, but loving them other days is tough. How hard is it to choose to be patient and kind to a person that just tore a strip off you in an argument?
With all of the shifts, it looks like it all comes down to values/preferences and convictions. We live in a culture that allows people to choose everything… what channels do you want?... what cell features do you want?... custom sandwiches…. Custom paint jobs…. Custom clothes…. Whatever. Marriage is different though. Marriage is cemented together by God. People forget that. It is meant to be together for life. Unfortunately, people give up on their spouse. They walk away and don’t look back. Rather than getting them help, or considering their kids, or getting some space to work out their differences, they just walk away.
My pastor is a supporter of that idea…. If there are huge problems in a marriage, sometimes people need to get apart to come back together well and restored. Even this is taken by people and ran with. They see a bit of freedom and forget their focus of the marriage.
Marriage is sacred. Work through it all. Just recently someone posted a status that said something like “A strong marriage is made up of two forgivers”. It is SO true. Unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting your enemy to die. We have to forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive…
Or what about this idea? Pride will kill your marriage too. If you are too proud to admit when you are wrong, you will kill your marriage. A movie that I watched several years ago was about this couple that was really struggling to make their marriage work. They had the kids, the jobs and the house, but they fought all the time. It looked like they were going to split. As the marriage weakened, their eyes wandered. No one cheated, but they weighed out their life and in the end it was that they realized that there was so much hurt that no one was willing to say that they were sorry. They were more focused on lashing out and hurting each other, and being right.
Protect your marriage with everything in you. Work with your spouse to make the gear shifts that happen in life, and remember the hot person that caught your eye in the first place. Love them where they are at, and pray for them… daily.
January 31, 2010
My parents....
Ever wonder some of the things that make a marriage last for over 30 years? My parents were over last night and my dad said that he challenged my mom to see who could tell the other one that they loved them more times during the day....
Mushy, but hey, it works.
Mushy, but hey, it works.
Oh be careful little mouth what you say!
Something that really sticks out (and you can stick out) is a tongue. In the context of a strong marriage, the tongue is very difficult to keep controlled. In writing for this blog I wanted to write about things that would challenge me first. There have been several times where I have failed in speaking things to my wife that encourage.
Looking at what people say, the Bible often refers to it as taming of the tongue. (See the book of James if you want to understand that reference.) I know… the tongue is not what actually does the talking. The mind and the “heart” speak and the tongue, the lips, the teeth and the voice box spew it out there for people to see… I mean hear.
When looking for counsel on the way we speak to each other, I often go in and do a word search in the Book of Proverbs. That book has a LOT to say about how we should speak. But for this blog how does it apply in marriage?
Here are a couple of verses to consider:
Proverbs 15:1-4
“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. “
Ever react to something that your spouse said and make things worse? I have struggled with this. We all get angry, but the way we express the anger is what matters most. Sometimes the gentle answer may take some time. Maybe the first few times you mess it up. Maybe you will have to gently respond several times before your spouse is able to calm down. It takes practice, but you can do it.
Let’s look at verse 2, “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness. “
Ouch….. Ok, too many times I have been the fool. You ever been around one of those people that have a really smelly burp? (Think Woody the Cowboy in Toy Story 2 when Al, the toy store owner burps in his face.) That is how you are to your spouse when you go saying stupid or mean things to them, It hurts… And often it takes some real effort to make amends. Especially with men speaking badly to their wives. Women tend to be more emotion based and will carry things in their hearts. It can drive a real wedge between spouses.
Skip to verse 4, “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
Think of the casualty of a crushed spirit. Is that you want for your spouse? Keep gentleness and honesty in your relationship. Honesty can be in what you say to the other person, but I think the most powerful honesty comes from being honest with yourself and how you think and treat your spouse. One of the keys to marriage is being able to love… be selfless… choose to love the other person even through their junk….. Tough.
This was the verse that rang through my mind when I was pulling this together, Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
Wow! That sounds pretty serious to me. In my own marriage, I could bring life or kill my wife by the words that I said to her. I know that I have to take that seriously. Build her up, or tear her down. What would God have me do? Obviously, build her up. I’m not perfect, but if you talk to my wife she will tell you that for the most part I build her up, I encourage her, I feed her ideas and dreams, I try to pull the best out of her…. And she does the same for me.
As I was just reading for this entry I was checking the context of the verse. If you have read Proverbs you know that sometimes there is a bit of a bouncing around that Solomon does, and it seems like he had ADD or something. But then I looked at the next verse…. SO life and death are in the tongue, and then this, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.”
Amazing! If you build up your wife, and you cherish her, then you treat her like the treasure that God intended her to be. So great! Make your words match what you want your spouse to be. Do you want them to be bitter and angry and mean? Well treat them that way. Of course that wouldn’t be God’s way. Do you want then to be gentle and kind and patient…. (See 1 Corinthians 13)? Then love them. Pray for them. Pour into them…especially with your words.
Looking at what people say, the Bible often refers to it as taming of the tongue. (See the book of James if you want to understand that reference.) I know… the tongue is not what actually does the talking. The mind and the “heart” speak and the tongue, the lips, the teeth and the voice box spew it out there for people to see… I mean hear.
When looking for counsel on the way we speak to each other, I often go in and do a word search in the Book of Proverbs. That book has a LOT to say about how we should speak. But for this blog how does it apply in marriage?
Here are a couple of verses to consider:
Proverbs 15:1-4
“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. “
Ever react to something that your spouse said and make things worse? I have struggled with this. We all get angry, but the way we express the anger is what matters most. Sometimes the gentle answer may take some time. Maybe the first few times you mess it up. Maybe you will have to gently respond several times before your spouse is able to calm down. It takes practice, but you can do it.
Let’s look at verse 2, “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness. “
Ouch….. Ok, too many times I have been the fool. You ever been around one of those people that have a really smelly burp? (Think Woody the Cowboy in Toy Story 2 when Al, the toy store owner burps in his face.) That is how you are to your spouse when you go saying stupid or mean things to them, It hurts… And often it takes some real effort to make amends. Especially with men speaking badly to their wives. Women tend to be more emotion based and will carry things in their hearts. It can drive a real wedge between spouses.
Skip to verse 4, “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
Think of the casualty of a crushed spirit. Is that you want for your spouse? Keep gentleness and honesty in your relationship. Honesty can be in what you say to the other person, but I think the most powerful honesty comes from being honest with yourself and how you think and treat your spouse. One of the keys to marriage is being able to love… be selfless… choose to love the other person even through their junk….. Tough.
This was the verse that rang through my mind when I was pulling this together, Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
Wow! That sounds pretty serious to me. In my own marriage, I could bring life or kill my wife by the words that I said to her. I know that I have to take that seriously. Build her up, or tear her down. What would God have me do? Obviously, build her up. I’m not perfect, but if you talk to my wife she will tell you that for the most part I build her up, I encourage her, I feed her ideas and dreams, I try to pull the best out of her…. And she does the same for me.
As I was just reading for this entry I was checking the context of the verse. If you have read Proverbs you know that sometimes there is a bit of a bouncing around that Solomon does, and it seems like he had ADD or something. But then I looked at the next verse…. SO life and death are in the tongue, and then this, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.”
Amazing! If you build up your wife, and you cherish her, then you treat her like the treasure that God intended her to be. So great! Make your words match what you want your spouse to be. Do you want them to be bitter and angry and mean? Well treat them that way. Of course that wouldn’t be God’s way. Do you want then to be gentle and kind and patient…. (See 1 Corinthians 13)? Then love them. Pray for them. Pour into them…especially with your words.
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